Our Mantis the Actress?

Well, Here is a good reason why whilst Orlando maybe able to break into the world of modelling, I very much doubt his "wife" is going to score her own blockbuster any time soon.

Being the magnanimous Hater that I am, I am going to start by giving props to her for doing it at all, there is no doubt its a serious issue that needs celebrity support (though I suspect that more of a celebrity might have had more of an impact.. but anyway)

I have one main suggestion though which I hope will be helpful to our aspiring mantis:
perhaps a bit less of an "all about me" style of delivery on something like this would be more appropriate in the future, an approach that demonstrates a more comprehensive understanding of the difference between modelling and acting?

Through most of that clip the mantis was pouting and looking like she was advertising stomach extenders (seriously useful if you are fat n jellus and dont want your stomach to drop - I'll get onto that later). I don't think I need to go into the rest of whats wrong with that do I? After all she has Orlando to help her on the delivery of words, though it is impressive that she's broken out of the more standard dingoese for this occasion!

For the record PM the above Photo of Orlando is the face you are trying to achieve when talking about serious illness and suffering, the pout doesn't work so well...

Speaking of which, thats the other shocking thing about this clip, the size of her stomach - is it me or has that baby (in her belly) had one hell of a growth spurt since we saw her being 'caught out' by her paps at LAX

Yes, I know (everyone join in!) FAT.... JELLUS..... ORLANDO ALL TO MYSELF!

Finally, some film news!

On the one level I'm rather excited to hear that Sympathy for Delicious is going to have an LA Premier on November 5th (you can read about it here) its been a while since I've been able to say 'Orlando' and 'movie premier' in the same sentence... though I suspect the likelihood of UK cinemas being graced with the movie is still very small indeed...

Also more stills have surfaced of his various current modelling campaigns.... (like the one above from Uniglo). I have to say that it gives me great pleasure to see Orlando taking off as a model... When he's not over airbrushed, I think he does it very well...

And also, can you imagine how pissed off that will be making his 'wife'. Orlando decides to do a spot of modelling and he suddenly has two or three high profile campaigns going on!

I just hope that he's found a way to defend himself from the ball clamper -

fever waves pt 1

Hello Loves,
A few weeks ago, my friend Brittany (who I met at Chic Heroin regular Zoe's birthday party) asked me to model in one of her shoots. She is an amazingly talented photographer who shoots primarily with film. Her concept was to use a slide projector in a very Warhol-esque way. (Remember some of his most famous shots of Nico? see here). I took over a bag of my favourite pieces for fall and Brittany, her assistant for the day/the most awesome Reilly, and I had a great morning shoot. Brittany will be launching her new website soon and I'll be sure to post it when she does you can see more of her work.

Part Two coming in a few days!

Also, thank you all so much for entering my Shopbop Gift Card contest! I absolutely loved everyone's favourite things from the site, I checked all of them out and definitely added a few more things to my wish list. The winner was chosen at random, and I'd like to congratulate Jony from The Netherlands! Have fun with the gift card, and let me know what you use it on!

*Lastly, for my Canadian readers, I wanted to let you know about something cool Jacob is doing right now. They've got a campaign called "Give your clothes a new lease on life", and what you can do is bring in a bag of your used clothes to a Jacob or Jacob Lingerie store. Jacob will donate the clothes to Goodwill/Renaissance to help women in need, and as a thank you, they'll give you 25% off your purchase at Jacob. It's a great way to purge your closet in time for new winter trends, and also help out the women who truly need it, so get closet-cleaning ladies!

xo E

Our model man...

Wow, its quieter than a sandy beach in a blizzard at the moment. I take it that the Panty Mantis is less than thrilled at being counted amongst one of the Fat at the moment since she has failed to be "caught" by those evul paps for a while now..

Luckily Orlando still has a dedicated battalion of supporters searching time and space each day to winkle out a tiny morsel about him and one of them located the above photo...

Isn't it lucky that the photographer at the Me&Ciry shoot managed to catch his exact expression when he was told that his "wife" was on her way to visit him!

Poor sod.....

Memorandum

To: The Fat n Jellus
From: Slapparr (One of the Top Five Haterz and CEO of Ensurient Corpulence
-----------------------------------

Subject: Wanting Orlando All to yourself

All,

While i realise with the issues of attractiveness surrounding our mantisized Orlando at the moment, it is imperative that you maintain your desire to have him all to yourself. This is a key ingredient to success at being Fat n Jellus! After all, one can hardly be described as Jellus if One doesnt actually want the item in question....

As an temporary move I would suggest not looking at any further pictures of OB since he came under this current affliction until the larger situation can be resolved.

Thanks,

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part 5: Eating out

following on from an insight into how I personally stay so fat and jellus I thought a few ideas on how to deal with eating out would be in order. Restaurants can be scary places for those on a fat and jellus mission: all those salads and offers of dressings on the side, grilled fish and fruit for pudding - it can be an absolute minefield for the unwary.

But Panic not, a few golden rules will help you eat out and still pack on the pounds!

The Choice of restaurant is crucial! never ever pick a restaurant that has the words "Salad", "Jacket Potato" or "Grilled" on the board if you can possibly manage it. I know there will be times when you have no choice and in those situations your only recourse is to carry a tub of lard with you in your handbag (my new travel sizes of the all original lard gel are perfect for this) and smear it on every course you have. Restaurants that deep fry everything are perfect - you can eat safe in the knowledge that everything you eat will be deep fried! In more upper class establishments, just make sure you order a large fries with everything that you order (ideally your starter too) and try and fit in as many courses as possible. This idea that three of four courses is the norm is archaic!

Although I'm not a fan of the Golden Arches personally, dont dismiss it as a venue for regular food - you've all seen "Supersize Me" right? Just imagine what that diet with a healthy serving of lard on the side could do for a person!

(By the way Im slightly concerned that Pleasure Ureself has far too many words, I see that the Panty Mantis has run out of positive affirmations in her book Treasure Ureself and is recyling the ones she posted at the beginning, so I may need to pair down some of the sections in Pleasure Ureself. I will, of course, keep you updated)

Something hot with your Lard?

Or perhaps (as its definitely post 2007) not so much!

If the above does float your boat - print it out, put it on your fridge door and keep it in mind as you struggle to eat that final lardburger at the end of a long days eating..

If the above makes you feel sad and weepy, keep on eating anyway. You can use it as a trigger to comfort eat, safe in the knowledge that when you do reach your desired weight, you will be able to squash the panty mantis flat just with sheer tonnage and then you can start the long process of prettying Orlando again...

canadian tuxedo

Hi All,

I'm finally back in Toronto after what seems like years (but in reality was only 2 long weekends) away. Last weekend I was in Montreal, and this past weekend I visited Halifax for the first time! I promised when I came back from Montreal I'd have a list of my favourite spots, so here are some of my shopping favs:
George & Jane - 5364 St. Laurent
Friperie St Laurent - 3976 St Laurent (where I picked up the most incredible Mongolian fur vest)
Les Etoffe - 5253 St Laurent

Unicorn - 5135 St Laurent (where they snapped me for their blog here)

Eva B - 2013 St Laurent (don't go unless you're prepared to dig, which I wasn't)

Boheme - 206 St. Viateur

Annex Vintage - 56 St. Viateur (probably my fav. vintage store there)

Swing - 151 des pins E

Memento - 3678 St. Denis

Apparently in other parts of the world, double denim is referred to as a Canadian Tuxedo. As offensive as that is, I decided to wear one anyways. I am absolutely obsessed with these Gap jeggings and I have them in 2 other colours. I'm also wearing a vintage Coach bag, Miu Miu clogs and a thrifted top.

I've got so many new things to blog about, so look out for more frequent postings in the next few weeks. Also, don't forget to enter the Shopbop giveaway before it ends on Thursday, October 28th!
xo E

Anyone seen my Goat?

In case you are having difficulty locating certified organic goats in your local area - as promised, I've written down my eating plan for those whose aim it is to be fat and jellus

Daily Diet
(ideally all products would have certification from the Lard Information Council)

When I wake up: A cup of hot Lard with a slice of lemon

For breakfast: Chopped up mars bars in Lard OR Burgers and chips fried in Lard or deep fried fruit (in lard) or if I'm feeling really hungry - all three.

Mid Morning: A Lardshake and some banoffee pie with Lard sauce

Lunchtime: If you can find it a Goat coated in Lard but otherwise something deep fried in lard with deep fried eggy spelt bread fried, of course, in lard

Mid afternoon: a handle of lard nibbles , or some chocolate coated Lard, or a deep fried chocolate coated lard bar (satisfying enough to make even the hardiest of scottish men raise their kilt)

Dinner time: Assuming you still havent managed to locate a certified organic Goat then I'd suggest emptying a draw of your freezer into your deep fat Lard frier and eat the contents up.

Late at night: A hot chocolate made with lard and perhaps more chocolate coated lard

I know its a tough diet to follow but at a minimum of 6000 Calories over requirement per day its guaranteed to pack on in the region of 14lbs a week - remember - the way to keep the weight on is to add it on gradually.....
I also realise the challenges that one faces when eating out so I will devote a separate section for advice on that

The Daily Diet of the Panty Mantis

Oh my days, I've waited a long time for the pleasure of a "diet" plan from the panty mantis - and now she has finally chosen to share the sekrits of her success with us fatties: Original is here - but please do allow me to provide a little touch of commentary:

My typical daily diet: (all certified organic if available) - (ah unlike your product range or so I'm told PM! )

Breakfast:

Tahitian Noni juice immediately upon waking ( oh surely not! what a surprise)

Glass of hot/warm water with lemon juice, apple cidar vinegar & yellow box honey or agave

(psst PM! cidER is spelt with an ER at the end last time i checked )

Fruit salad of: pineapple, figs, cherries, apricots, strawberries, raspberries, cranberries, blackberries, prunes, plums, apple, pear (when available)

Goats milk, organic yoghurt or Bornhoffen yoghurt if I don’t have access to goats (because of course goats are standard sight in the urban jungle of most cities I visit )

Or instead of yoghurt if I feel like a cooked breakfast: (careful - next you'll be telling me that you "sometimes have a sandwich")

2 organic/free range eggs, either poached, scrambled or boiled

Two pieces of Burgen Soy Linseed, Rye or spelt toast with avocado (I wonder if she thinks that spelt toast will improve her english)


Hot dandelion tea with almond, goat or oat milk or a cup of green tea ( she really knows how to live it up diet wise doesnt she....)


Morning tea:

Handful of Tamari roasted or plain almonds or

Dark chocolate coated almonds (OMFG! chocolate???)

2 x Spelt biscuits with avocado and tuna (ok i'm gonna ask... WTF is spelt?)


Lunch:

Piece of fish (salmon, silver perch, yellow perch, snapper, cod) with fresh green salad vegetables and spelt biscuits if I am still hungry or is it me or is spelt becoming the new goji berries

A lentil dish ( umm i'm not sure you should be eating tableware, even if it started life as lentils)

Hot dandelion or green tea and/or green tea or a coffee if I feel like one (coffee is okay for A Blood types – but again, all in moderation!) (OMFG! now she's having coffee - she is going to get onto having a sandwich isnt she!!!)

Glass of filtered water with Dr Red, Ginger Punch Immune Booster formula (great to be used as an alternative to make-up cordial for kids as it tastes great and boosts the immune system) or lemon, apple cidar drink. (to be fair i'm with her on the ginger cordial but thee she goes again with her cidAR )

Afternoon tea:

Handful of Tamari roasted or plain almonds or seaweed extract (Maine Sea Vegetable extract) ( because i'm sure a spoonful of seaweed extract (from Maine) will keep those hunger pangs at bay - no wonder she is known to smoke if this is how she indulges herself )

OR: 2 x spelt crispbreads with tuna, avocado and feta cheese (yes! Spelt is the new Goji)

Piece of fruit (hoorah, finally something normal!)


Dinner:

Piece of fish (salmon, silver perch, yellow perch, snapper, cod) or chicken or red meat (rarely because of my blood type) cooked with ginger and garlic with fresh green vegetables (Broccoli, beans, snow peas, cooked slightly and artichokes) or green salad vegetables.
( is it me or are her lunches and dinners variations on the same theme and singularly lacking in carbohydrate )



Roasted and onion and garlic (ah so thats about 100 calories for a dinner then - that sure will keep your energy up PM! )


Late night snack: (only if hungry) ( I'm guessing you would be hungry having feasted on an onion and some garlic for supper, though that could be because i'm fat n jellus and like eating lard as a snack)

Seaweed extract OR (Maine Sea Vegetable extract) (again because Sea vegetable extract will keep you full and friendly..... )

A handful of pumpkin or sunflower seeds or almonds

Fellow fatties, this diet will do you no favours in your quest to become fat n jellus - but worry not, I too will post an example of a daily diet shortly just so you dont feel you have to follow this one and undo all the good work....

Further Communication from the Panty Mantis

Another communication from the Panty Mantis? I'm starting to feel a bit singled out....

Deare Lusinder
Eye havve to saye eye'm a bitte hurte. Even thougehe eye've emaled yew a lotte to telle yew to aprec.... aprec.....(fuk it - eye hayte longe wordz) lyke mye booke and mye blogge yew do notte seeme to bee able to.

Ande nowe itte seemes thate yew donte knowe arte when yew see itte either! Thate Pickture off mye bottum is beeutifulle, mye frineds and mye familie all lyke it tew.....

Eye amme a bitte worried aboute Orlandoe thoughe - since mye elektric balle klamper gotte himme backe fromme beinge AWOL he's inne an evene worrse stayte thanne before. whenne eye showede him mye Artistikke pikture he started groaninge ande mutteringe , eye cante quitee make outte whate he is sayinge , butte it sounds lyke somethinge aboutte the lyttle onne (in mye bellie) ande whate its goinge to thinke..

madde? ryghte? that lyttle onne (in mye bellie) wille obviously lyke my piktures whenne he gettes older ande so wille alle of his friendz...

wotte do yew thinke? I knowe yew are jus jellus and wante orlandoe alle to ureself butte atte this rayte there wonte be anie of himme lefte to wante..

I have a few ideas for her, but I'm not sure whether I should be sharing my well considered thoughts with someone that thinks that a photo of their Chocolate starfish is art!

Twittering and Treasuring

I don't know - you get all excited about the signs of man globes having had a taste of freedom only to be shot down by the witterings of Mother (Panty Mantis) earth on twitter.

Having safely got Orlando's baubles back in her cracker she's back twittering away about her growing little one (in her belly), havin O all to herself, her nesting instincts and how she's going to ship the whole family over from Oz in stages.. Lucky OB - I bet he's thrilled about that!

But now for the main news of the day (and I do apolgise for the tardiness in picking this one up - I've obviously been far to focussed on Pleasure Ureself to keep tabs on what has been happening with Treasure Ureself.

In the build up to the long awaiting release, our Panty Mantis has been sharing a few more thoughts with us (from here), without further ado I I give you the following:

"Each day I practice “living in the moment – treasuring each moment and just being who I am”. I am not driven by my past and likewise, although I am committed to my future, I am not striving for it or living into it, I am present in my here and now"

I wonder how her A** hole photo fits into the above - do you think that was her being just who she is, or treasuring the moment -
One thing is for sure, I think we can all agree she's shown amazing commitment to pinning down her future by the balls....

The Lard Information Council

(What a great slogan !)

While we all know that its good to learn from your mistakes, I reckon its even better to learn from other peoples mistakes - that way you can find the right path without having all the downfalls.

I'm sure by now you all know the major faux pas that has recently befallen the Panty Mantis' product range for those people who are thin, adoring and glad she has Orlando all to herself? What one can learn from that is that its wise to actually submit an application for whatever certification you are going to claim relates to your product before actually claiming it has it..

What has this to do with my superb Ensurient Corpulence range you might be wondering...

Well I'd like to formally announce my intention to apply for certificated Lard status from the Lard Information Council. I'm not quite sure whether they will give me a natty sign to put on all of the EC range.... something like 100% lard would be nice, but I'll see what I can get.

I'll keep you updated, but for the moment please note that all Ensurient Corpulence products are 'application pending'

Eye Cleanser

Sorry this took me QUITE so long ...

And talking of Nekkid Lies

I wonder if a certain Oz publicist will be as outraged about these photos as she apparently is about the earlier ones...

Poor Panty Mantis, she obviously HATES being nekkid...

“The naked truth is always better than the best dressed lie”

The above quote is by Ann Lander and I thought it was a fitting way to start this mornings offering, you know something for the mantis to reflect on perhaps.. (I also thought the reference to nudity was rather apt...)

According to here all that guff about Miranda waiting for her organic certificate to come through for her Kora range was complete rubbish. The body themselves have come back and said that they havent even had an application. I could have sworn that she's said both that Kora has this already and/or that Kora had submitted an application for it.....


Interesting - I wonder how she's going to get out of this one, lets just hope she doesnt rely on a certain Oz publicist..

A bid for freedom

I'm sorry its taken me so long to update TSO with todays news - but a couple of things were making me faint with shock this morning.

Firstly was a picture of OB at a German airport on his own (so far so good) but there were two things that were shocking about this! For one he actually had a "belly up" grin on his face (something that has been missing in action for months now) and he actually showed signs of trying to hide from the paparazzi (something thats been missing in action for a few years now)

what a difference an absent mantis makes to a person....

Secondly, OB has also taken part in the Comedy against Malaria campaign but I think i must be missing my funny streak today - the only thing that made me laugh in it was the actor at the beginning saying "I'm an actor you should listen to what I say" - that was a joke worth laughing at! Maybe I need to wait for the full version...

and one final (Mantis related) point - I don't know about anyone else but THIS has made my day - OMFG blogger - TSO salutes you !

Shopbop Gift Card Giveaway & Alexis Bittar and other Jewellery Highlight

Hey Guys,

So, I've got something really cool to tell you! I've been given the opportunity to give away a $100 Shopbop gift card to one lucky reader! As I'm sure all of you know, Shopbop is one of the best online stores out there, housing brands like 3.1 Phillip Lim, Alexis Bittar, and Noir Jewelry, among many, many others. To enter, all you have to do is head on over to the site and take a look at the designers from Shopbop, and then leave me a comment or send me an email (but please no Formspring entries!) with your favourite thing from the site. The contest will run until October 28th at midnight and is open to international readers (excluding Pennsylvania only, sorry guys!!). Good luck to everyone!

I've been in a bit of a jewellery rut right now, so I thought I'd post some of my favourite pieces that I'm loving from the site right now:
Alexis Bittar Georgian ring and Georgian linked necklace

House of Harlow Abalone Station Necklace and Abalone Sunburst Cocktail Ring
House of Harlow Enameled Tribal Wrap Ring and Key Cocktail Ring
DANNIJO Eagle Heart Ring and Taylor Bracelet
Low Luv x Erin Wasson Welded Cuff and Shark Tooth Cuff
Low Luv x Erin Wasson Armor Knuckle Ring and Gypsy RingPamela Love Peacock Ring and Picado Cuff
Good luck to all of you who enter! I can't wait to see what your favourite Shopbop items are,
xo E

(ps, my friend Helen made me a new header! hope you all like.)

Well, what have we here....

Is it a Bird....No!

Is it a plane.....No!

Is it a flying Mantis - why yes! I believe it is.....

and there was I thinking she was too big to fly with the still remarkably small little one (in her belly). Its funny - she doesnt look to big to be ruling anything out to me, but thats probably because I'm so fat and jellus....

Sadly I couldn't grab the pictures (I know... what a shame eh?) so here's the link of hergiving an enthusiastic greeting to her friends (the paparazzi) and a pre-mantis photo of OB to help you practice wanting Orlando all to yourself...

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part 4: Designing your favourite room of the house

It seems a small point but having the correct environment in which to practice is a crucial part of being Fat and Jellus. In most cases this means the Kitchen. That hallowed environment that is key to any aspiring fat and jellus person.

Make I make the following suggestions?

A bright and airy kitchen will do you no favours, all though no doubt you are fat (or aspiring to be fat) and proud but do you want the world to know the secret of your success? Far better, surely, to have your neighbours mavel and your amazing weight gain! Instead make your Kitchen dark and cosy - you can stuff your face in private and keep your fatty secrets to yourself!

The Fridge is also key to a properly equipped kitchen - unfortunately most fridges are not large enough to hold enough food for the truly committed - I'd suggest you identify an entire wall for this purpose, if you share your living space, make sure that you have locked doors - you dont want to be coming down, in the zone, to found someone has eaten your entire supply of lard. Also beware of the brightness of fridge lights - it can be most disconcerting and is a health and safety risk - In your new dark and cosy kitchen, never approach the fridge from your couch without your sunglasses on.

The last point i'd like to make: ensure that your doors are wide enough, you don't want to reach the crucial goal to find you cant get out of the door - there is no point in achieving the fat and then not being able to share the jellusy!

A whole lotta trouble...

Oh Dear oh dear, I'm in trouble - the Panty Mantis has got wind of Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus and she's not happy....

This is what I received:

Oye Lusinder,
Eye've beene tryinge to reade the stayte of Orlandoe nowe four a fewe dayes (thoughe eye ended uppe havinge to gette Orlandoe to helpe mee,) and eye'm notte happie. yew shuld be woreeied thayt yew are alle fate and jellus, notte celebratinge the facte....

Eye'll telle yew alle this fur nothinge: Orlandoe doesnte lyke fatties ande anyewaye, eye have himme alle to myselfe alreadie. Yew are all farre to fatte to aprec.... umme aprrecia,..... (Oye Orlandoe, eye wante to saye lyke but usinge bigge words - canne yew help?........oye, there is no neede to bee rude orlandoe...) where was eye? a..p....r...e....c....i....a....t.....e mye wisdome......

(thayte waz harde worke)

Yure newe range woynt helpe yew either - and yure booke........ its gotte far too manye words in itte alreadie, myene is muche better - eye onlee have three in the whole thinge!

givvee uppe, eye havve wun, change yure ways.....

Its a bit confused ( i guess she must get like that when she's angry) Poor orlando - she sounds pissed.... i hope he's ok....

A super Sekrit announcement

I would like to formally announce the first in a range of flagship products by the Ensurient Corpulence Corporation.



Our "All Original Lard Gel" is a patented formula that works with the fat you already have to produce mountains of blubber in just 2 weeks. Using key ingredients passed down through the generations it combines varies forms of trans fats and glycerol into a pleasantly scented gel which can be applied topically or used as a condiment to your favourite burger.


Just read our testimonials here - go on make each day that bit fatter....

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part III: Wanting Orlando all to yourself

It seems to me that readers of this chapter will fall into one of two categories:

Either you are "fat and jellus and want Orlando all to yourself" or you are "Fat and jellus and are over wanting orlando all to yourself" on the grounds he's been a bit too mantised, but are having to pretend that you do want him all to yourself in the interests of entertainment.....

still with me?

There is probably a third category which the Panty Mantis calls "havinge Orlandoe alle tew ureself" but as she's in a minority of one - I'll leave her out of this (plus I can't be bothered to translate the entire chapter into dingoese just so she can read it, ok?)

As the first two boil down to the one outcome, I'll focus the main method to develop the wanting orlando all to yourself to keep it simple...

To most fat n jellus haters this comes pretty naturally, you see a photo of a pre-mantised Orlando and your heart rate quickens, your pulse increases and nowadays there is usually an overwhelming feeling of loss that follows swiftly afterwards as you recall what once was..

A word advice: Only look at photos of Orlando pre 2005 - any later than that and you risk coming across one that is starting to show the ravaging effects of the Panty Mantis. The effects of this on you are catastrophic - you quickly find you loose your appetite , feel the feelings of envy rapidly receed and cease to want Orlando all to yourself. In short you abandon all the advice this cloth bounded volume as offered you! Luckily, providing you move quickly enough, a picture of Orlando pre 2005 will usually counteract the effects..

If you are into extreme sport, there are some photos out there later than 2005 which will assist you on your quest to wanting Orlando all to yourself - but these years should only be handled by experts, if in any doubt - consult a professional.

Pete and OB

Don't worry, I've not forgotten my super sekrit announcement but for the moment we're still on the more serious matter of the LOTR reunion.... I'm so glad they've done this - gives us all a reason to hoik out the LOTR DVD's again!

Things that are Very Very wrong!

I know this is totally off topic, and its probably because its friday but what the f**kety f**k is this? Since WHEN has it been ok to turn up to a washing machine function in your oversized baby grow and knee high boots..

Sorry! its just that its been outraging me for the last 3 hours and I've ended up having to share in the vain hope that a problem shared is a problem halved...

A Model's life

why is it I'm getting a lot of vicarious pleasure over the success of Orlando modelling?

Oh yes: it because I'm fat n Jellus!

New 60 second version of the Uniglo advertisement can be found here - our boy is looking and sounding good and more importantly doesnt look orange at all!

I think I need to go have a lie down after all this OB news to report. Weeks of swimming through the mire of Panty Mantis non announcements have left me damaged.....

I would like to announce that I will be making an announcement tomorrow about a super sekrit suprise for you all - now arent you all excited???

Cover Boy

Yes, I bet he is Furious - I certainly would be if I'd had any time at all in the company of the Panty Mantis...

(and I know its not his best shot by miles - but I ask you this - who would you rather see on the cover - an over airbrushed 3D panty mantis or an underairbrushed Orlando...)

LOTR reunion!

What's going on? After what seems likes weeks of news that solely relates the panty mantis and her status as mother earth - there has suddenly been a rush of news about OB in the last couple of days...

Out of all the news which has surfaced (Main street is apparently premiering in a couple of US festivals before it hits Oz (thanks MC) the one that caught my eye is the LOTR reunion.... ahhh!!! I dont often get all sentimental when our think of our happy hubby but the thought of most of the LOTR people getting together is a nice one!



I have a couple of questions though - for one where IS Viggo? Unless I'm missing something, I couldnt see him in the shots...

And secondly did a memo go round instruction them all to grow beards for the occasion ? Maybe Peter Jackson feels happier that way? One thing is for sure though ... Sir Ian has to be given first prize - he looks like he's warming up for the role of father Christmas...

A rush of love

Such a great cover. Love it.

Main Street Alert!

Now, please don't faint with shock but rumour has it that there is another OB movie heading for public performance... apparently Main Street is going to get its premier finally at some Aussie film festival..

For those not already dead with boredom over speculation over where baby Bloom will be born, there is some half hearted speculation over whether the Panty Mantis will see fit to use this as an excuse to get BB born in Gunnedah..

The mayor of Gunnedah, if I remember correctly, was willing to put on an entire town festival to celebrate the nuptials of our happy couple, I wonder if he would be prepared to resurrect and amend the plans to celebrate the birth?

Perhaps the Panty Mantis could have a screening of her own to give everyone inside access to exactly how a 100% organic mother deals with the pain of birthing?

I'm sure there would be ample opportunity for an impromptu signing of Treshure ureself between contractions for those 1000's of eager fans that will inevitably wait to see their home-town-girl-made-good..

so many opportunities present themselves!!!

oh no silly me - Of course I'm forgetting that both her and OB are fiercely private and secondly she's too big to fly... and that of course puts pay to the signing idea..

what a shame - the mayor will be gutted, but I guess they still have the super sekrit surprise to issue to those of us that have pre-registered for our signed copy!

Still its great news for OB, I wonder if he'll pick up that southern accent again in time for the premier?

Three Musketeers

Its not much of a work update I'll admit - but news has leaked out that Orlando is apparently back in Berlin filming for the three musketeers - his "wife" apparently has had herself surgically attached to his lower left buttock in a vain bid to stop him escaping while he gets the chance..

I wonder what happened to all those terrorist threats they were supposedly so frightened of, or her keenness not to fly because of the little one (in her belly) - obviously the cause of keeping hold of the Bloom at all costs outweighs any other considerations!

I also thought it was really nice to see that the paparazzi managed to leave our poor hounded couple alone for this particular visit, its nice to see they can respect their privacy when they arent called in feel so inclined..


(Thanks to the deluge of emails i've had expressing interest in the Ensurient Corpulence range of products - I will shortly be linking you up to few of particular favourites whilst I work on the full range. Being fat and jellus is a passion of mine and one that I am thrilled to be able to share with you all xxx)

Introducing 'ENSURIENT CORPULENCE'*

I am now ready to make the announcement that I announced early today!

I'm really excited to introduce my new range of cosmetic and health products especially designed for today's fatties. Ensurient Corpulence*.

The name translates as Jellusly Fat and is all about a living the lifestyle and incorporating those fat and jellus habits into your everyday life. Its designed to work in tandem with Pleasure Ureself: A Practical guide to being Fat and Jellus

I'm inviting you to come 'Inhabit my envy*' with me - we can share fellow fat stories, I will talk you through some of my favourite products to promote a larger waistline. Being fat and jellus is a passion of mine which I am so looking forward to sharing with you.

(*"Ensurient Corpulence" and "Inhabit my Envy" are trademarkes of the Ensurient Corpulence Corporation)

Orlando break...

I'm even pissing myself off by not posting photos of OB so here is another one - way back when he was pre-mantis and beautiful..... I cant quite put my finger on why i like this one - with the exception of Orlando, my eyes arent entirely overcome with hawtness....It must just be that O looks genuinely like he's having a good time ...

I am currently working on a "sekrit" surprise for you all By the way, I'll announce it a bit later on (but please note that this is an announcement of an announcement - i believe this is the proper form....)

streetwalker

Hey All,
I was recently featured in Streetwalker Magazine, an awesome independent Canadian magazine based in Halifax, Nova Scotia. They were kind enough to send along the pages for me to post here, but make sure to head over to their website to see the feature and past issues. It's since become one of my go-to fashion websites, I love their blog!

Speaking of Halifax, I'll be visiting there in two weekends, so if any of my readers are Halifax-based, I'd love to know any restaurant or shopping recommendations, as it's a city I know absolutely nothing about!

This weekend, I'll be visiting my best friend Christopher in Montreal, and I would SO appreciate some shopping recommendations! During my last visit, I fell in love with Reborn, but this time I'd love to find even more boutiques and especially vintage stores, so please comment or email me your suggestions!
xo E

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part II: Being a fat cow!

Ok, so hopefully you are now working hard on your jealousy technique from yesterdays installment. Today its time to work on being fat!
Now I do realise that the majority of us are fat already. After all, its fairly hard to be fat and jellus and want Orlando all to yourself if you are thin! But, my fellow fatties, you should continue to strive for even greater achievements with your weight. Believe me, you really arent anywhere near your goal until you need a forklift truck to remove you from your sofa every morning.

A useful trick that i use is the power of positive thought (you’ll see that this has a different focus to the art of positive affirmation). I can give you an example if you stand in front of an all you can eat buffet and think ‘I cant fit anything else in’ you’ll probably find that final cake will elude you. Similarly if you think "I can eat everything on that table, and then go out for dinner" you’ll find you can!

I would suggest writing down a few of your thoughts in a pad to carry with you, should the thought starving yourself cross your mind.
Here are a few of mine:

- I am fat and Jellus and know I want Orlando all to myself (Slapparr)
- Never Eat more than you can lift (Miss Piggy)
- My favourite food is seconds (anon)
- I’m fat therefore I am (anon)
- I’m already two years behind on my fat allowance, I’m looking for skinny people to see if I can borrow theirs (Jo Brand)

Just a few to get you going.

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part 1: Lets Talk about Jellusy

Probably if you are reading this you are probably already confident of your jellus skills. But, my fellow fat n jellus cowz, whilst this may give you something upon which to base your future training, in itself it is unlikely to be enough.

True unadulterated jellusy takes time and effort and a selfless dedication to the cause. Think back to all the times I’ve selflessly braved the Whora website in the name of the greater good; reflect on all those brain numbing reflections I’ve brought to your attention - are you getting the pikcture? Dedication is what you need. Again though a few positive thoughts can be a handy tool to keep you on the straight and narrow when a non jellus thought hits your mind:

- Our envy always lasts longer than the happiness of those we envy.  (François Duc de La Rochefoucauld)
- Nothing sharpens sight like Envy (Thomas Fuller)
- It is well said that envy keeps no holidays (Francis Bacon)

I hope you are all feeling suitable inspired!

thankful

Lately,

Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Canadians! I've been very blessed this year and I've got a lot to be thankful for, especially family and all the friends in the photos above. Tomorrow, my family and I will be forgoing a traditional meal and letting the Windsor Arms cook dinner instead. I absolutely can't wait for stuffing and pumpkin pie. Hope you all had a great long weekend,
xo E