Happy Christmas Fatties

Yes, I know this is a day or two late..... I'm sorry to admit that I fell off the wagon and momentarily gained a life that took me away from super adapted kitchen (with its computer) and out into the wide world!

(I'm rather ashamed actually - even the Panty Mantis, busy as she is "lyving the lyfe" with the little one (in her belly) managed to find a few occasions to communicate with random people on facebook close online friends to share her joy at having Poor Orlando (obviously restrained) and her family round her)

Panic not though, this blip was short lived, I'm not sequestered safely back through my widened doors and munching on some festive lard in a bid to undo the damage!

Just a short entry today really just to offer some words of encouragement to those fatties who have struggled through Christmas with family and friends that dont understand that while a diet of 4000 calories a day is the result of Christmas excess for the non fat n jellus, this is about half the amount of calories the truly committed fat'n 'jellus person would hope to consume per day right through the year..

don't worry , you may have had a blip in the last couple of days, but just add additional lard to absolutely everything (obviously on top of your all original lard gel allocation) and you'll soon make up the energy shortfall

Just take some inspiration from Father Christmas - after all he's one of the truly original fatties of the world (though whether he's jellus and wants Orlando all to himself, I couldnt say)

A Truly international Treashureing!

Oh what an auspicious day! I thought the sight of Orlando looking hawt in his Hugo Boss advert would be the pinnacle of this weekend but I hadnt banked on the Panty Mantis..

Not content with the international success of Treashure Ureself and the fact that by some miracle unexplained to man Vogue decided to add it to their best sellers list (actually that is fairly easily explained - Vogue got the breaking news about Baby Bloom and I imagine their decision to add it to the best sellers list was part of the deal, but thats probably just my F and J mind).

We are, this morning, privy to information that the Panty Mantis has set about translating Treashure UReself into other languages, starting (of course) with Dingoese.

Panty Mantis, firstly may I offer my services for this happy task? I am actually pretty fluent in Dingoese and also fairly competent in French and German. My Russian is very basic but I'm sure if you ask Orlando he should have some Russian contacts that can assist you with that.

OF course, as Treashure Ureself's chief competitor Pleasure Ureself will also shortly be being released in 9 different languages. We too are on the best sellers list of the Lard Information Councils monthly glossy "Lard" (in fact I'm going to be doing a cover shoot - but more on that anon) and I think I would be depriving the world of one of its brightest ornaments if I didnt make it more universally accessible....

Just when you thought I'd forgotten!

I happened on the Whora Blog again and guess what i found? The antithesis of Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat'n'Jellus advice on building yourself up to ensure you are a true fatty....

Having read through the offering here - I think we can turn this advice back round to something useful though, after all they seem to feel little need to reinvent the wheel and I am off the same mind:

Do you find yourself saying that you will only like yourself when you reach that perfect weight? Studies show that you need plenty of confidence in yourself in order to successfully gain weight. This is because you need to trust that you’ll stick with an eating and exercise plan; without this belief you’ll end up saying, “What’s the use?” and give up. Unless you like yourself, it’s impossible to have any trust, faith, or confidence in yourself.

You see, that was easy, I only needed to change one word to make that work for the community of fat'n'jellus people.... As you guessed, there are also some positive affirmations to help you on your way - so I thought I'd give you my "take" on them

I feel good about who I am
i have put a hell of a lot of effort into being fat'n'jellus and am proud of my success
I am a lovable person, and others are attracted to me
I am fabulously fat and know of many places where the people only like you if you are enormous
I achieve success in whatever I do
my ever-growing bulk is confirmation of how successful I am being
I deserve happiness
I deserve that extra tub of lard
I have the right to change my life to suit my personal needs
I am all wise and all knowing and excellent at consuming lard
I choose to make myself happy
I choose to make myself fat and as jellus as possible
Today, I’m taking steps towards a happier life
Today, I'm taking steps towards a fat and jellus life
I love myself
I love being fat'n'jellus and wanting Orlando all to myself

there you go guys, I hope you found that helpful
xxx

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part 8: Post Thanksgiving Advice

Although Thanksgiving is not something we brits do, As we have a large american readership here on TSO, I thought I'd give some critical advice for you now the day of feasting has passed.

In fact this advice is useful after any bout of excess..

Overeaten over Thanksgiving? More stuffed than the turkey? Inunndated with LBD diets and advice on how to juice everything in sight? Put the magazines down - remember you are fat n jellus and the word "Diet" does not apply to you!

In fact if you are on the Pleasure Ureself plan is that on a feast day you probably havent eaten enough. Its a bit like being at a restaurant, you feel slightly worried about pulling out the maxi pack of All original Lard gel out of your maxi bag to add to your repast and so you miss out on some vital calories.

The trick is not to panic - there are many options available to the cunning fat'n'jellus person. Perhaps you could pop to the loo to consume a couple of tubs in private - providing you dont take too long, no-one will be any the wiser. Or you could pretend you left something in the car and stuff a tub or two down in the carpark. There are numerous options in any situation that will keep your fat n jellus technique a holy mystery and keep the weight piling on."

Sound advice that I hope you will find practical over the festive season!

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part 7: Overstepping the mark

By now you must all be making excellent progress towards your goals of being completely Fat n Jellus. The long hours of munching away and looking at pre-mantis photos of Orlando are starting to pay off, but how do you know when you have reached your goal weight and need to move to a maintenance diet?

I would be being an irresponsible author if I didnt say that whilst being incredibly fat and jellus is obviously the goal, there are levels you could take it to which would start to endanger your health.

Generally speaking, if you have to ring your local authorities to airlift you out of the house every time you want to go out, you've probably gone just that bit too far. Other warning signs are when you fingers get to fat to type even on your specially adapted fatty keyboard - this is not only a health warning but practically difficult: How are you going to contribute to the worldwide fat n jellus community if you are no longer able to use even an adapted computer?

Luckily the remedy is pretty easy - I would recommend a day or two of the Delphi Diet. (for those not in the know this involves looking at and hearing the Panty Mantis in action, a few moments of her jiggling her bits around is usually enough to cause projectile vomiting, if that doesnt work, try turning the sound up and listening to her voice too)

WARNING: DO NOT USE THE DELPHI DIET FOR MORE THAN A DAY IN ANY THREE MONTH PERIOD, EVIDENCE SUGGESTS IT ALSO DOES PERMANENT DAMAGE TO THE BRAIN

"I Don't Believe It!"

This post title was meant to be a bit of a "One Foot in the Grave" Expression of surprise but when I thought about it I ACTUALLY don't believe this next one..

Apparently that cloth covered heirloom that can be passed down through the generations has sold out according to the Panty Mantis' blog. How absolutely devasting! I'm one of the unlucky hundreds that didnt manage to get my order in ahead of the rush :(.

Putting professional rivalry aside for one moment (though probably not being able to quite put down the fat n jellus aspect - thats rather integral to me I'm afraid) she's sold out? How many copies did they get done ... 10? Or, and here's a really way out scenario, perhaps they havent actually sold out and are instead building a pre xmas buzz so that lots of poor impressionable young women wake up on xmas morning to find out that they are being faced with advice on how to pin positive words onto glasses of water, eat what their ancient ancestors ate and dream about actors!

Whatever the reality of the situation, this does give me the opportunity to fill the gap in the market with the first edition of Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being fat and jellus, Volume I. Its not cloth covered and I doubt you'll want to pass it onto your children ( I think they'd have too much problems with Orlando all to themselves part to be honest) but it is available for purchase, I've signed it and it does have Dr. Bob!

To order : please email my sales team on orders@pleasureureself.ec.com.

Matching your diet to your fat cell type

Guten Morgen! For my first post as part of the Pleasure Ureself team, I vanted to concentrate on making sure that you are eating the right varieties of Lard for your fat cell type.

This is very important, Vithout this you vill not achieve your fat and jellus objectives.
For example I am Lard Cell Type 10. This means that I must concentrate on Lard with a 90% or more fat content. This is because my body vill not put on veight so effectively vith anything lower

If you are lard Cell type 5, this means that you are closer to your fat goal and need to ingest fat vith a much higher fat content! I'd recommend something vith a 95% plus pure fat component. Othervise you vill find that your veight gain plateaus and you vill not get any fatter.

The All Original Lard gel vill satisfy both of these fat Cell types and is available on mail order in both in full and travel sizes.

Over the next few veeks I vill give you examples and links of products that have this high percentage of fat. Please purchase them for these specific sites othervise I vill not get the profits...

Until next time

Dr. Englebert Johann Bob

Editors comments: can I apologise to our German readers in advance for the gratuitous transliteration of Dr Bob's German accent - he gave me this over the telephone and I felt it was key to emphasising his words of wisdom)

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical guide to being fat and jellus

Yet again it seems I am missing a trick - apparently I should also be including wise words of wisdom from experts in the field. Our Panty Mantis has being doing just that with this guy. I havent quite managed to find such a quality expert with esteemed research credibility of such high quality as the mantis, but I did find this guy:



May I introduce Dr. Bob - I think his credentials on providing advice for the fat n jellus speak for themselves (you can read about them here)

I've invited Dr. Bob to share his expertise on the fat and jellus lifestyle in practice and I'm sure you will all find his contributions illuminating.

This does leave with a gap in expertise over the "wanting Orlando all to yourself" section though....

Sighs... you seem like the ideal candidate to me - are you available? I can have my people talk to your people if you are?

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part 5: Eating out

following on from an insight into how I personally stay so fat and jellus I thought a few ideas on how to deal with eating out would be in order. Restaurants can be scary places for those on a fat and jellus mission: all those salads and offers of dressings on the side, grilled fish and fruit for pudding - it can be an absolute minefield for the unwary.

But Panic not, a few golden rules will help you eat out and still pack on the pounds!

The Choice of restaurant is crucial! never ever pick a restaurant that has the words "Salad", "Jacket Potato" or "Grilled" on the board if you can possibly manage it. I know there will be times when you have no choice and in those situations your only recourse is to carry a tub of lard with you in your handbag (my new travel sizes of the all original lard gel are perfect for this) and smear it on every course you have. Restaurants that deep fry everything are perfect - you can eat safe in the knowledge that everything you eat will be deep fried! In more upper class establishments, just make sure you order a large fries with everything that you order (ideally your starter too) and try and fit in as many courses as possible. This idea that three of four courses is the norm is archaic!

Although I'm not a fan of the Golden Arches personally, dont dismiss it as a venue for regular food - you've all seen "Supersize Me" right? Just imagine what that diet with a healthy serving of lard on the side could do for a person!

(By the way Im slightly concerned that Pleasure Ureself has far too many words, I see that the Panty Mantis has run out of positive affirmations in her book Treasure Ureself and is recyling the ones she posted at the beginning, so I may need to pair down some of the sections in Pleasure Ureself. I will, of course, keep you updated)

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part 4: Designing your favourite room of the house

It seems a small point but having the correct environment in which to practice is a crucial part of being Fat and Jellus. In most cases this means the Kitchen. That hallowed environment that is key to any aspiring fat and jellus person.

Make I make the following suggestions?

A bright and airy kitchen will do you no favours, all though no doubt you are fat (or aspiring to be fat) and proud but do you want the world to know the secret of your success? Far better, surely, to have your neighbours mavel and your amazing weight gain! Instead make your Kitchen dark and cosy - you can stuff your face in private and keep your fatty secrets to yourself!

The Fridge is also key to a properly equipped kitchen - unfortunately most fridges are not large enough to hold enough food for the truly committed - I'd suggest you identify an entire wall for this purpose, if you share your living space, make sure that you have locked doors - you dont want to be coming down, in the zone, to found someone has eaten your entire supply of lard. Also beware of the brightness of fridge lights - it can be most disconcerting and is a health and safety risk - In your new dark and cosy kitchen, never approach the fridge from your couch without your sunglasses on.

The last point i'd like to make: ensure that your doors are wide enough, you don't want to reach the crucial goal to find you cant get out of the door - there is no point in achieving the fat and then not being able to share the jellusy!

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part III: Wanting Orlando all to yourself

It seems to me that readers of this chapter will fall into one of two categories:

Either you are "fat and jellus and want Orlando all to yourself" or you are "Fat and jellus and are over wanting orlando all to yourself" on the grounds he's been a bit too mantised, but are having to pretend that you do want him all to yourself in the interests of entertainment.....

still with me?

There is probably a third category which the Panty Mantis calls "havinge Orlandoe alle tew ureself" but as she's in a minority of one - I'll leave her out of this (plus I can't be bothered to translate the entire chapter into dingoese just so she can read it, ok?)

As the first two boil down to the one outcome, I'll focus the main method to develop the wanting orlando all to yourself to keep it simple...

To most fat n jellus haters this comes pretty naturally, you see a photo of a pre-mantised Orlando and your heart rate quickens, your pulse increases and nowadays there is usually an overwhelming feeling of loss that follows swiftly afterwards as you recall what once was..

A word advice: Only look at photos of Orlando pre 2005 - any later than that and you risk coming across one that is starting to show the ravaging effects of the Panty Mantis. The effects of this on you are catastrophic - you quickly find you loose your appetite , feel the feelings of envy rapidly receed and cease to want Orlando all to yourself. In short you abandon all the advice this cloth bounded volume as offered you! Luckily, providing you move quickly enough, a picture of Orlando pre 2005 will usually counteract the effects..

If you are into extreme sport, there are some photos out there later than 2005 which will assist you on your quest to wanting Orlando all to yourself - but these years should only be handled by experts, if in any doubt - consult a professional.

Introducing 'ENSURIENT CORPULENCE'*

I am now ready to make the announcement that I announced early today!

I'm really excited to introduce my new range of cosmetic and health products especially designed for today's fatties. Ensurient Corpulence*.

The name translates as Jellusly Fat and is all about a living the lifestyle and incorporating those fat and jellus habits into your everyday life. Its designed to work in tandem with Pleasure Ureself: A Practical guide to being Fat and Jellus

I'm inviting you to come 'Inhabit my envy*' with me - we can share fellow fat stories, I will talk you through some of my favourite products to promote a larger waistline. Being fat and jellus is a passion of mine which I am so looking forward to sharing with you.

(*"Ensurient Corpulence" and "Inhabit my Envy" are trademarkes of the Ensurient Corpulence Corporation)

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part II: Being a fat cow!

Ok, so hopefully you are now working hard on your jealousy technique from yesterdays installment. Today its time to work on being fat!
Now I do realise that the majority of us are fat already. After all, its fairly hard to be fat and jellus and want Orlando all to yourself if you are thin! But, my fellow fatties, you should continue to strive for even greater achievements with your weight. Believe me, you really arent anywhere near your goal until you need a forklift truck to remove you from your sofa every morning.

A useful trick that i use is the power of positive thought (you’ll see that this has a different focus to the art of positive affirmation). I can give you an example if you stand in front of an all you can eat buffet and think ‘I cant fit anything else in’ you’ll probably find that final cake will elude you. Similarly if you think "I can eat everything on that table, and then go out for dinner" you’ll find you can!

I would suggest writing down a few of your thoughts in a pad to carry with you, should the thought starving yourself cross your mind.
Here are a few of mine:

- I am fat and Jellus and know I want Orlando all to myself (Slapparr)
- Never Eat more than you can lift (Miss Piggy)
- My favourite food is seconds (anon)
- I’m fat therefore I am (anon)
- I’m already two years behind on my fat allowance, I’m looking for skinny people to see if I can borrow theirs (Jo Brand)

Just a few to get you going.

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

Part 1: Lets Talk about Jellusy

Probably if you are reading this you are probably already confident of your jellus skills. But, my fellow fat n jellus cowz, whilst this may give you something upon which to base your future training, in itself it is unlikely to be enough.

True unadulterated jellusy takes time and effort and a selfless dedication to the cause. Think back to all the times I’ve selflessly braved the Whora website in the name of the greater good; reflect on all those brain numbing reflections I’ve brought to your attention - are you getting the pikcture? Dedication is what you need. Again though a few positive thoughts can be a handy tool to keep you on the straight and narrow when a non jellus thought hits your mind:

- Our envy always lasts longer than the happiness of those we envy.  (François Duc de La Rochefoucauld)
- Nothing sharpens sight like Envy (Thomas Fuller)
- It is well said that envy keeps no holidays (Francis Bacon)

I hope you are all feeling suitable inspired!

Pleasure Ureself: A Practical Guide to being Fat and Jellus

I decided late last night I might be missing a trick! If the mantis can have a guide that is designed to advise people on how to treshure themselves, give lots of 'advice' on how to be like her and have a spin off product line, facebook and blog so can I!

May I proudly introduce...

Pleasure Ureself: A practical guide to being fat and jellus.

Now admittedly I havent got much further than this yet - but don't worry I will!
Its going to be full of advice on how to get fat (if you arent already), work on that jellusy and how to really hone you skills of wanting Orlando all to yourself. I too am going to get the advice of experts in the field (psst Joders..... Wanda... you game?) ready to offer snippets of advice to help your lives be even worse than they already are. I also thought a few (referenced) quotes would be in order. Seeing as I got cruelly cut short with my practical guide to weddings, I think this is a worthy replacement. I'll start with this quote I think....

"[T]he ear of jealousy heareth all things." ~The Bible (Apocrypha), Wisdom of Solomon 1:10

Speaking of which, I hear there is a pending storm breaking over nude photos of the Panty Mantis...... Oh the horror and surprise! If you believe the version being pimped around at the moment, some dastardly photographer has managed to get hold of 8 year old photos of the Mantis with her tatters out and is threatening to publicise them against her will.... we've even had an erudite statement from the Mantis Oz Publicist on the subject saying how the publishing party in question is quickly going to make enemys with that kind of behaviour..... I'm sure he's quaking in his boots, particularly given that it seems the photos are considerably old and already well and truly in the public domain.....

And this is coming from the girl that has only made Holy Moly for one reason and one reason only - their surprise at her doing a photoshoot in more than a koala and some chains..

Poor Orlando - I seem to be neglecting him recently..... but there isnt much to report ...... I'll do a pretty for you all later just to remind us who this blog should actually be about (OB: thats a hint - do something other than mantis support, I'm starting to bore myself!)