A Truly international Treashureing!

Oh what an auspicious day! I thought the sight of Orlando looking hawt in his Hugo Boss advert would be the pinnacle of this weekend but I hadnt banked on the Panty Mantis..

Not content with the international success of Treashure Ureself and the fact that by some miracle unexplained to man Vogue decided to add it to their best sellers list (actually that is fairly easily explained - Vogue got the breaking news about Baby Bloom and I imagine their decision to add it to the best sellers list was part of the deal, but thats probably just my F and J mind).

We are, this morning, privy to information that the Panty Mantis has set about translating Treashure UReself into other languages, starting (of course) with Dingoese.

Panty Mantis, firstly may I offer my services for this happy task? I am actually pretty fluent in Dingoese and also fairly competent in French and German. My Russian is very basic but I'm sure if you ask Orlando he should have some Russian contacts that can assist you with that.

OF course, as Treashure Ureself's chief competitor Pleasure Ureself will also shortly be being released in 9 different languages. We too are on the best sellers list of the Lard Information Councils monthly glossy "Lard" (in fact I'm going to be doing a cover shoot - but more on that anon) and I think I would be depriving the world of one of its brightest ornaments if I didnt make it more universally accessible....

More from the Panty Mantis

Sadly this time no personal communication - I Dunno ...perhaps she's grown less fond of me recently or perhaps she's starting to realise that Pleasure Ureself is a viable competitor to her offering...

Happily though she's still giving us snippets from her mastepiece to consider (and thanks to R for linking this one up!)

"Whenever I am feeling tired or maybe a little sorry for myself I make a mental note of all the things I have to be grateful for.

Blimey - I think hell has frozen over - is she actually saying her life is not all rainbows and Blooms

Gratitude helps me when I am on a swimwear shoot and it’s snowing; or when I’m getting up at 4am for work.

Ah no - phew - its just the "hard" life of a model thats getting her down - she's missed getting the glitter in her toes out of that list

I remind myself that everything I do is moving me towards my goals. Being grateful gives me an immediate boost of energy and brings me back to the moment……

I thought she'd already achieved her lifes ambition..... Poor Orlando - all that only to find she's got more to achieve...

Simply being grateful can change your whole perspective on life. If ever I am having a bad day or if things aren’t going quite to plan and I feel like giving up on my dreams, I take a step outside my world and then I get to see just how lucky I am.

yes yes we know we're all so jellus of your fabulous life PM

I encourage you to do that. Next time you are feeling down, take a trip to the mall, a homeless shelter or a children’s hospital and take a look around.

Interesting advice from someone that seems to only take advantage of this type of lesson in life when a camera is trained on her and her PR Machine is waiting to swing into action in the wings...

When we take time to acknowledge everything around us, we get to appreciate just how lucky we really are….

Here is an affirmation from Louise Hay, say this to yourself morning and night:

“I am grateful for each day”.

Well that's original..... I wonder what her take is

Here is my take on this affirmation:

“I am grateful for who I am and who I am not.
oh man, I'm really having to sit on my fingers not to type a real translation of that one

I am grateful for the life I have been given and for all that I have and all that I don’t have.


Ok I can't contain myself: So she's grateful that she has Orlando all to herself and that she's not fat n jellus like us - we get the message PM....


Every breath I take is a blessing and an opportunity to fully experience the sheer joy of being alive.”

If only I felt the same way panty mantis - there would be no need for this post

Invest in a gratitude journal: every morning write down what you will be grateful for in the day and every night, write down what you have been grateful for.

OK - I can try this one

I'm grateful for being a fat n jellus cow
I'm grateful for rating sarcasm as one of the highest forms of intelligence
I'm grateful i dont plagiarise other peoples quotes without proper reference
Im grateful my "expert" is called Dr. Bob and can't say his 'w's

I always knew that Treasure ureself would be worth its weight in gold.... if it hadn't sold out i might even at the point of purchasing a copy - it strikes me it could be even funnier than the Go Fug Yourself book

Treashure Ureself

I don't know, I do an update on Pleasure Ureself and find that the Panty Mantis has to copy me and do herself an update on her Treashure Ureself blog....

This mornings offering involves more positive affirmations (hoorah I hear you all cry)

She took this affirmation:

“I release ill feelings toward others without seeking retribution”.

And gave us the benefit of her "take" on it:

“I am forgiveness and love, and I move forward knowing the past does not impact on me or my future. Every ill feeling I have had is removed and replaced by acceptance and love.”

Its funny ! I can read the words, I know what they should mean but all I can actually hear is

"yew are alle eville fat ande jellus cowz, butte eye have orlandoe alle to myselfe nowe, ande eye havve his balles inne mye klampah so eyeve wone and yew have loste"


But she does have a final bit of advice we can all apply:

Have fun being positive guys

OK so my "Take" on that is that I'm going to have a lot of fun being absolutely positive that I think she is a skanky panty model flogging her shite to an unsuspecting public, and by the way I'm also absolutely positive that Pleasure Ureself makes for a better read than her offering AND has a much dirtier title too...

See I can do affirmations when I try!

Twittering and Treasuring

I don't know - you get all excited about the signs of man globes having had a taste of freedom only to be shot down by the witterings of Mother (Panty Mantis) earth on twitter.

Having safely got Orlando's baubles back in her cracker she's back twittering away about her growing little one (in her belly), havin O all to herself, her nesting instincts and how she's going to ship the whole family over from Oz in stages.. Lucky OB - I bet he's thrilled about that!

But now for the main news of the day (and I do apolgise for the tardiness in picking this one up - I've obviously been far to focussed on Pleasure Ureself to keep tabs on what has been happening with Treasure Ureself.

In the build up to the long awaiting release, our Panty Mantis has been sharing a few more thoughts with us (from here), without further ado I I give you the following:

"Each day I practice “living in the moment – treasuring each moment and just being who I am”. I am not driven by my past and likewise, although I am committed to my future, I am not striving for it or living into it, I am present in my here and now"

I wonder how her A** hole photo fits into the above - do you think that was her being just who she is, or treasuring the moment -
One thing is for sure, I think we can all agree she's shown amazing commitment to pinning down her future by the balls....

Main Street Alert!

Now, please don't faint with shock but rumour has it that there is another OB movie heading for public performance... apparently Main Street is going to get its premier finally at some Aussie film festival..

For those not already dead with boredom over speculation over where baby Bloom will be born, there is some half hearted speculation over whether the Panty Mantis will see fit to use this as an excuse to get BB born in Gunnedah..

The mayor of Gunnedah, if I remember correctly, was willing to put on an entire town festival to celebrate the nuptials of our happy couple, I wonder if he would be prepared to resurrect and amend the plans to celebrate the birth?

Perhaps the Panty Mantis could have a screening of her own to give everyone inside access to exactly how a 100% organic mother deals with the pain of birthing?

I'm sure there would be ample opportunity for an impromptu signing of Treshure ureself between contractions for those 1000's of eager fans that will inevitably wait to see their home-town-girl-made-good..

so many opportunities present themselves!!!

oh no silly me - Of course I'm forgetting that both her and OB are fiercely private and secondly she's too big to fly... and that of course puts pay to the signing idea..

what a shame - the mayor will be gutted, but I guess they still have the super sekrit surprise to issue to those of us that have pre-registered for our signed copy!

Still its great news for OB, I wonder if he'll pick up that southern accent again in time for the premier?

Treashure ureself: Update!

Yes, you've guessed it, in the continuing build up to the LONG waited release of Treashure Ureself my new favourite on the Net (The Whora Blog) has given us a few new snippets prior to arrival of the cloth covered heirloom itself.... in case you have sorted out the inheritance line but haven't ordered your copy yet you can do that here

I thought I'd give you my reaction to this latest update, just to prove how fat'n'jellus I still am.....

For anyone who orders Treasure Yourself online or who has already ordered Treasure Yourself online, we’re excited to say that we have a couple of surprises in store for you… we don’t like surprises either,

Ooh ooh let me guess !! the surprise is that it actually contains words and not just pictures?? Did i get it right?

but …….. (I'm all anticipation)

good things come to those who wait and we literally can’t wait to hear from you when you receive Treasure Yourself and that in itself is going to be a surprise!!

Believe me, Tresure Ureself in hard copy in my hands would be a great surprise! (and I'll be hunting down those fatties that brought it for me with a view to committing revenge!)

What affirmations of Miranda’s can we share with you today?

I don't know but I get the feeling its gonna be good!

A couple of weeks ago one of our contributors talked about the power of “JOY” so I will share a couple of Miranda’s “Joy” affirmations with you now, enjoy:

I'll try my hardest.....

“I am content with who I am and who I am not right now. I accept, nurture, and respect myself. My heart, soul, body and mind are at peace with my world and joy flows through me”. By Miranda Kerr

oh dear I don't where to start with this one... I wonder at what point she became "content with who she was" it must of been recent - up until her getting a bun in the oven I would of said she was content to try and pin down Orlando... I believe she's at peace with HER world though - its just a shame it bears no relation to the real world...

“I have an open and giving heart knowing the universe provides for my every need. Laughter and joy flows freely from my soul.” By Miranda Kerr

baahhahhhahhahha *wipes tears of laughter from eyes* I don't think any further comment is needed on this one!

So fatties, are we feeling inspired??? The great Mantis has spoken! I'm sure I will once i stop crying with laughter.....


Photo is of OB with a fan apparently - I know its not old school (sorry sighs / wanda) but he does look cute in it to me - plus the girl he's with is very pretty!

Treashur Ureself: Update

I have been overwhelmed with excitement over the Panty Mantis announcement about her announcement to the extent that I didnt know what to with myself whilst I waited for it.... so I headed over to her Mantis blog for some inspiration - and what do I read......

Whilst we have been idling away our time considering the merits of Killer collars and 3D boobies, another extract from treasure ureself has been revealed.

I'm so sorry I havent picked up on this before now. i'd like to say its because I've been so busy with life, but obviously someone as fat'n'jellus as me doesnt have one so that can't be it.. anyway - lets put the past behind us and concentrate on being our "incredible selves!"

You can find the latest update here in full but I think a few of the more salient points deserve closer attention!

Now I'll say this up front, I'm gonna ignore most of what the Mantis Mommy has said at the beginning (she's her mom and therefore understandably biased so we'll let her off!).

I'm also going to ignore the confusion I felt about the comment that our mantis is one of the top ten models in the world Is that like the GCSE grades now where you used to only get an A grade, now you can get an A* or an A** so an A actually doesnt mean what it once did. I guess in this situation it must mean you get top ten models.... top ten supermodels and then top ten supermodels of all time .

I like this one though:

" To be successful you just have to get up one more time than you fall down. Miranda has done that time and time again."

I'm quite impressed that Team Mantis are prepared to publicity admit that 99.9% of the PR set ups and rumours that our Mantis has planted or been involved in have fallen down - and I think we can all agree she's very good at getting up again ....

And then there was this one (yes we are back on those positive affirmations sigh) I thought this one showed a surprising amount of self awareness from our mantis:

"I have no limits – I am limitless. I decide what I want from life and everything I want is available to me. I believe in magic and magic happens.”

The panty mantis certainly is limitless in what she'll do for attention - the 3D boobies was just one of a long list of getting her tatties out in the name of fashion / art - obviously she is aware from the above that she is not limited by the concept good taste......

And in case it wasnt clear, I already know i'm fat, jellus and want orlando all to myself, please dont feel the need to point it out to me

Apparently enough is enough!

Listen guys, I think we've been being a bit harsh on the Panty Mantis - I don't think she's used to people actually pointing out the definition of what "authentic" means, or laughing riotously at something she's worked SO hard on - she's getting a bit upset...

oye Lusinder
laste tyme eye wrotte to yew eye ext...... ext..... (fuk) gayve yew an oleave branche, eye showed yew thayt eye was willinge to makye peece. Ofv coursee yew hadde to buye "treashure ureself" ande the whole Kora ragne butte eye was willinge to givve yew somme tyme to du thate. Eye understande that qualtee costes and yew wille alle neede to save uppe.

Eye camee on hear to see howe youre blogge aboute mee was doinge and whate do eye finde??? Yew ahre alle stille talkinge aboute orlandoe, EYE'm the famuous onne nowe!!

yew ahre notte showinge "treashure ureself"anye resepkt whatte so eva. Howe DARE yew saye eye donte knowe whatte eym talkinge aboute. Eye amme the beste ande moste gawguss supamodell in the worlde evah, eye have orlandoe alle to myselfe, eye ame nowe alsoe an experte in mother hoode, in shorte there is nothinge i cante advsie yew onne (or wryte a booke aboute)

yews shoulde stoppe fightinge thisse and learne frome mye wisdom. mye booke is an "heirloom that will passed down for generations to come". Eye'm notte quite sure whate thayt means butte it doesse meane its goodde - BUYE it, its the onlee change yew fatties have lefte...

eye'm notte happie, when eye comme here againe eye expecte yew to havee sorted thisse out! yew ahre evene upsettinge the lyttle onne in mye bellie!

Hmmm do think this is some strange side effect of her pregnancy? Or perhaps some consequence of wearing her hair like its a doughnut attached to a melon..... Either way she doesn't seem to happy, though in fairness she does seem authentically angry to me so I suppose that will be of some relief for her.

Wanda, how is that collection doing?? I don't want her to literally explode in her condition!

Oh what a busy day

I'm all at sixes and sevens this morning and not sure what to start this post with. So I'll start with a happy thought...

Orlando - back in Germany, back with the curls, back smiling and back without his ring on - do you know, he really does need to get the sucker re-sized, it keeps falling off at the most unfortunate moments.

I'll let you all enjoy that for a moment before announcing that the Panty Mantis has shared a little more of treashure ureself with us. Oh happy day - I'm feeling more enlightened already..

she's picked out a couple of extracts for us to consider - I thought I'd share them:

“I give myself permission to be authentic. I am fully self-expressed and never afraid to be who I really am”

I'm not entirely sure Winston Churhill would agree PM, you seemed to be rather keen on using his words but we'll let that one ride and move on..


“I let go of any wrong done to me or that I have done to others. I forgive myself and others and I live in the present moment, allowing myself to relish new and exciting opportunities”

Ahh did us fatties get a shout out - that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy!! Did I say how i cannot WAIT for this to come out. I'm not sure we're quite up to the copy price with our collection yet though....

Treashur Ureself: Update

Yesterday I thought things couldn't get any more exciting - but apparently they can!

Remember that "Rich, Cloth Covered Heirloom that will be passed down for generations" we were talking about yesterday?

Well from the 1st September you can pre-order your copy through the Panty Mantis' sales website inspirational blog, and not only that but it will be signed by our Mantis. Apparently she has said that she will sign the first 1000 so I imagine that an unsigned copy will be rather hard to come by then....

Treashur Ureself has also given us a little teaser on the PM blog (being the most intelligent book in the world and able to write without human intervention) - check it out (original is here)


“In my eyes we are all equal. No one person is more special than another.

Ah isn't that nice we are all super specul!! (though congrats to the PM - it seems she's finally learnt how to spell the word)

The more I travel and do what I do the more I realize how incredibly unique and different we all are.

Yes we know, you are a soopermodul who has Orlando all to herself and we are fat and jellus and want Orlando all for ourselves: diversity at its finest!

We often forget that in order to love others fully we need to first love and accept ourselves. We could spend our lives wishing we were someone else and never really appreciate who we actually are or the things we have to offer this world.

Did we get a shout out??

Every person offers this world something, but sometimes it takes someone else to see the possibilities and beauty in us before we recognize it in ourselves”.

I'm starting to feel a little queasy now....

My hope is that through “Treasure Yourself” you will discover your own uniqueness and just how truly incredible you really are.

Don't worry PM, I already know how unique and truly incredible I am - I just need help with the fat/jellus/orlando for myself thing!

remember people, a prize for the person that finds an unsigned copy in 6 months - after all the likelihood of her selling more than ten has to be rather remote..

Treashur Ureself

I can't wait to share this one with you - i think you possibly need to be sitting down..... its THAT good!!

Not only is Treashur Ureself on its way to a bookshelf near you but its grown a personality and started contributing to the Panty Mantis' new blog!!

Aren't you excited??? I know I am...

Plus in "Treashur Ureself's" Biography it has a few new titbits (which you can see here) on the hallowed publication to wet our appetites...

" an incredible collection of thoughts , memories and lessons that will you put you on a path to self-improvement"

Hallelujah, we are saved! our path away from fat jellus hatership has begun

"It includes many thought from world renowned author and spiritual leaders"

sounds a bit like her phacebook to me, I wonder if she'll credit these ones?

"This beautiful rich, cloth covered book will be become an Heirloom that will be passed down through generations"

ah bless - she's hopeful isn't she? even if it did turn out to contain something worth reading (which I personally doubt) the likelihood of a book on Treashuring Ureself by an up the duff panty mantis lasting for generations are very small indeed......

......bit like the authors brain really!

I just can't wait for this to come out in its "beautiful, rich, cloth cover"

But in the meantime we have the Kora Blog to enjoy, full of specul moments courtesy of the Panty Mantis and her clan!

HOORAH!

(PS pretty picture of Orlando as requested!)

Treashur ureself...delayed??

I can't believe it - delayed again, how can this be? Maybe the super sekrit marriage plans have got in the way of this venture by Mrs. D....

How distressing, this means I will have to wait even longer to turn my life around from the fat jellus mire it has become...

But at least amazon now has an editorial up about it to wet the appetite (figuratively speaking of course - we all know she doesnt eat except when the paparazzi are there and photographing her)

Supermodel Miranda Kerr first book is an incredible collection of thoughts, memories and lessons that will put you on the path to self-improvement.

Its funny, I've always thought she had an incredible collection of thoughts too, though I've never thought they'd put anyone on a path to self-improvement..

Written for a new audience of young adults,
(excellent - targeting the young and vulnerable on how to be a panty model i see!)

this book has important lessons on self-confidence, inner beauty and acceptance that will resonate throughout their life journey.

Hmm lessons on inner beauty from someone that has shed loads of cash, is Mrs Douchebag, takes her clothes off for a living and has gotten progressively thinner the more column inches she gets - riiiiight!

It uses some of the classic wisdom that has inspired Miranda to achieve

Believe me when I say I cannot wait to here some classic wisdom from the panty mantis

including many thoughts from the founder of Hay House, Louise L. Hay, who has sold over 50 million copies worldwide.

So that explains why they agreed to publish it, perhaps they gave her a discount production rate

It presents incredible life story of one of the most successful international models today with down-to-earth life lessons that anyone can relate to.

Down to earth lessons from Mrs Goji berries and noni juice? Oh and I think the title of "most successful international models today" could probably be argued with too

It offers fantastic tips and beauty secrets.

Oh I bet it does, involving the entire Kora range no doubt....

I think what I'm finding most disturbing is that it has 284 pages..... is that in large type or something, or just lots of pictures of the Kora range?

yes, I know - fat....jellus.... want Dr. D all for myself, but on the plus side, once this is released maybe I'll be able to turn myself around?

Treshure Urself: Release date (not) announced

Im sorry to do a completely 'unrelated to OB" post but this is just too exciting..

After years and years of breathless anticipation and media speculation it seems that Treshure Urself is going to be released later this year.

"It's been reported since 2007 that Victoria's Secret model and Orlando Bloom sweetheart Miranda Kerr is penning a self-esteem book for teenage girls. Though there is still no set release date, Elle reports the tome--titled "Treasure Yourself"--will be out later this year. The Aussie model told the magazine "It's about encouraging young women to embrace their individuality....You may think it's easy for me to say, but we all have insecurities. It's important, as women, to get past all of that and let our talents shine."

(source: Huffington Post)

I'm so excited about this, my meaningless life is about to be given a second chance! Maybe she will be able to tell me how to be less fat'n'jellus, perhaps she will give me some rousing words on how women don't need to bend to the male ideal of sexy, maybe she will give me some tips on posing naked.... the possibilities are endless

sadly some even more fat'n'jellus people are less excited about this literary achievement than I..... I thought a whistle stop tour of some of the comments may be in order:

"Does treasuring yourself include starving yourself and smoking? Because Kerr has done both.

Oh dear, the writer is obviously fat'n'jellus and doesn't appreciate true beauty when he/she sees it.. lets continue shall we?

"Does she know writing? I think her book will have only pictures, very easy to be read by top models."

In fairness this commenter may have a point - her grasp of spoken english isn't good, it tends to be a mixed in with dingoese.

"I heard this book ‘Treasure Yourself” coming out since 2007…..

It’s now 2010….."

This cruel poster obviously doesn't realise that when one is living the lyfe and provin twu luuurve with Orelandoe one doesn't have much time to chivvy the actually writer of this manual of life along....

Happily people have also come out in defense of this latest enterprise:

Do you really want to insult a young woman who is trying to make a healthy change in the lives of teenaged girls?
You must be true haters if that is what you doing.
Shame on you."

I know - shame on all of us that are just fat'n'jellus.. Don't worry I'm sure Karma will come bite US in the ass someday.....

Still, at least Orlando looks happy - he's probably reckoning that if she can get this book out she'll be famous enough on her own and he'll be able to run away!