An inverview from a guy with his Man Globes in a Clamp

Our Panty Mantis seems to have gotten Orlando's Man globes into an even tighter spot than we'd previously realised - its the only rational explanation for the interview below, unless of course he's fired his pr team and a certain Oz publicist has taken over..... actually that could explain it..... this comes from an interview for German Ok! (thanks D for the link.....)

I thought it was worth a closer look (indicated in blue, other comments are in Red

You shooting the first time in Germany. How do you like it here?

Excellent. The people here are all super friendly. And the food and German beer are just fabulous. I fear that I have to watch on my figure a bit.
trans: my "wife" keeps telling me I'm putting on weight, I think she's trying to project her situation onto me personally...


Do you find it very difficult to leave your pregnant wife while filming?

Yes, this time is something truly special. Hardly back from the honeymoon and have a baby on the go. But of course I will as often as I can fly to London or Miranda bring to Germany at the shooting.
Trans: No, not at all - in fact I was hoping to hide in Germany with Milla and have a few laughs, but she tracked me down .... you have to help me, she has possession of my man globes.

We both are looking forward immensely to our first child. And I am very proud to be a father soon.

That went with you and Miranda so rapidly: Shortly after your engagement was announced, you were married and now you are already a father ...
To an outsider this looks like a kind of speed dating with immediately starting a family!
Trans: I know this looks like a PR arrangement to an "outsider"
(Laughs) (ow ow my man globes)
But it is not like this. Trans: You saw what just happened to the boys, I'll say anything she wants
We have considered each step carefully. I know Miranda for over three years. And it took a while until friendship turned into love.
Trans: It took a lot of rehearsals and her getting up the duff before this turned into something more permanent

Is it true that Miranda won't give you her phone number at first?
Yes, I had to ask her manager. Miranda had a boyfriend at that time.
trans: take it from me, never drink a bottle of 20/20 all to yourself at a VS party

You were long-time solo, you've been rarely seen one with a girlfriend.

I've never been someone who has set his private life from the rooftops.
(I wonder if can still get away with saying this without the interviewer laughing....... hmm she seems to be hysterical, maybe not!)
As you can see, it's less spectacular.
( I need to calm this interview down, she's crying with laughter at my last comment still!)

And when we get to know each other paparazzi shouldn't be there.
(shit I've set the interviewer off again - laughing hysterically, and I thought we'd got a lot better at doing our set ups.... )

That sounds very confident. Did success and fame never made you insecure?
At the beginning. Therefore, I had quickly the feeling of having to withdraw more and more. It even went so far that the people I met for the first time thought I'm shy what I'm really not. But I just became a little more careful. Not all those who give you a smile really mean it good with you. Did we get a shout out?

What exactly is truth at the story that you've had been paralyzed in an accident in your early 20's?
That was a bad thing. At a party I popped from the third floor to the street and had broken my back. The doctors said that I most likely would be a case for the wheelchair. Luckily I was able to walk again after surgery.

Do you believe in fate?
Tough question. Let me answer like this: I was always religiously inclined, and spiritually. In recent years I have been interested in Buddhism. I meditate a lot and do yoga together also Miranda. We are both vegetarians. It connects us even more. Trans: I'm sorry but if I don't say what she wants me to say, she just hurts the boys even more and there is a limit to how much pain a man can take...

Would you give up acting to become Greenpeace activist?
(Laughs) No, why should I? The acting, since I can think is the biggest inspiration in my life. Working as an actor to be a good husband and father - that's enough of a challenge.
(and of course finding defensive moves to block the clamp before she gets me in it, I'm not there yet sadly..... )

Shop 'Til You Drop

Hey Loves!

As I mentioned in my last post, last night I participated in Lou Lou Magazine's Shop 'Til You Drop. My best friend Dani came along with me and we had the BEST time. The energy in the air was awesome, and the events were buzzing. Lou Lou had asked me to tweet along with the event, so thank you to all my Twitter followers for bearing with me for multiple tweets, and I hope you'll bear with me again for a tonne of pictures from last night.Our first stop was BCBG where we lusted after accessories of all sorts, the jewellry, the shoes, the bags. They had hair stylists from John Frieda doing hair touch ups and amazing gift bags with purchase. I loved the outfit of one of the BCBG girls.

After BCBG we moved on to Jacob which had a great refreshment bar, a photoshoot station AND a candy bar, which was clearly the highlight of my night. After Jacob, we stopped into Gap where I bought some sunglasses, and then we moved on to Town Shoes, where there was a dj, a wine bar and a vodka bar, and I bumped into Dejana from Shopsterium. I loved the lady-like leopard print bag. The Joe Fresh pop up shop was clearly the most popular venue, with lines down the block, I was so appreciative for my vip pass! The new fall collection is so great, there were so many pieces that I loved. The highlight was definitely meeting Joe Mimran, Mr. Joe Fresh himself, who stopped in to the store and talked to all the attendees in line. We stopped briefly at Winners where I picked up a pair of SS09 Stella McCartney's and got our very own Lou Lou covers taken. We had such a great time, I can't wait till next year! xox E

Mr Tumnus is back

Mr Tumnus has made a reappearance I see.....

Treashur Ureself: Update

I have been overwhelmed with excitement over the Panty Mantis announcement about her announcement to the extent that I didnt know what to with myself whilst I waited for it.... so I headed over to her Mantis blog for some inspiration - and what do I read......

Whilst we have been idling away our time considering the merits of Killer collars and 3D boobies, another extract from treasure ureself has been revealed.

I'm so sorry I havent picked up on this before now. i'd like to say its because I've been so busy with life, but obviously someone as fat'n'jellus as me doesnt have one so that can't be it.. anyway - lets put the past behind us and concentrate on being our "incredible selves!"

You can find the latest update here in full but I think a few of the more salient points deserve closer attention!

Now I'll say this up front, I'm gonna ignore most of what the Mantis Mommy has said at the beginning (she's her mom and therefore understandably biased so we'll let her off!).

I'm also going to ignore the confusion I felt about the comment that our mantis is one of the top ten models in the world Is that like the GCSE grades now where you used to only get an A grade, now you can get an A* or an A** so an A actually doesnt mean what it once did. I guess in this situation it must mean you get top ten models.... top ten supermodels and then top ten supermodels of all time .

I like this one though:

" To be successful you just have to get up one more time than you fall down. Miranda has done that time and time again."

I'm quite impressed that Team Mantis are prepared to publicity admit that 99.9% of the PR set ups and rumours that our Mantis has planted or been involved in have fallen down - and I think we can all agree she's very good at getting up again ....

And then there was this one (yes we are back on those positive affirmations sigh) I thought this one showed a surprising amount of self awareness from our mantis:

"I have no limits – I am limitless. I decide what I want from life and everything I want is available to me. I believe in magic and magic happens.”

The panty mantis certainly is limitless in what she'll do for attention - the 3D boobies was just one of a long list of getting her tatties out in the name of fashion / art - obviously she is aware from the above that she is not limited by the concept good taste......

And in case it wasnt clear, I already know i'm fat, jellus and want orlando all to myself, please dont feel the need to point it out to me

Magdalena with Smile

Indonesian Top Models Magdalena
More Pic Indonesian Top Models Magdalena

Asmiranda with long Hair

Indonesian Top Models Asmiranda with long Hair
More Pic Indonesian Top Models Asmiranda

Sharena Rizki Show Tattoo

Indonesian Top Models Sharena Rizki Show Tattoo
More Pic Indonesian Top Models Sharena Rizki

A Paris Photoshoot....

Horrified as I am to see that our happy couple has had their privacy invaded YET again, I'm glad to see that our Panty Mantis has heeded my sage advice and headed out to get some maternity wear, I'm actually going to say something nice about one aspect of her outfit! Are you guys ready.......... I like her coat....its a nice shape.



I think i need a lie down after that.......

The rest of it of course i don't like, those 80's throwback drainpipes, her greasy phace and is that hairdo she something she's had sealed on for posterity .... but we'd be here all day if I started listing those

Orlando is again looking clean too, maybe thats because her enheightened sense of smell means that 3 weeks in the same T-shirt are over, for now.. apparently he's in Paris for a show . It must be nice for them to be back in Paris, back reminded of romantic times, just them - a horrified bystander and 15 of their best photographers, no wonder Orlando is looking quite so elated!

Its good to see Mr Big just happened to be in Paris at the same time again - He really is good at "finding" our hounded couple isn't he - or maybe he is just that "lucky"...

Sig: FAT....JELLUS........O 2 Myself

The Life of a Model

More footage has surfaced on you tube of OB doing the modelling thang for Uniglo, you can see it here...

I don't think that this is a fake tan company to be honest, for some reason Orlando isnt orange in the moving version of the advert, nor is he suffering from lock jaw or overkill of "blue steel" ... all criticisms that could be leveled at some of the still shots.. In both the 'behind the scenes' shots and the actual advert, OB looks his beautiful self so I say again WHY OH WHY DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO PHOTOSHOP HIS ASS OUT OF EXISTENCE UNIGLO?

sorry, I obviously feel rather strongly about OB being misrepresented pictorially speaking....(you tend to feel that professional shots of him are the only bit of him left untarnished by Mantis if you are fat and jellus)

Of course if Uniglo was a fake tan company it would explain that awful interview section in the middle where its painfully obviously OB hasn't a clue what he's talking about, but I've covered that before.

ps Anomers: I didnt put this in the last post but obviously you have a memory like a goldfish so from now on the I will put a signature at the bottom of each post to help remind you... are you ready?

Fat, Jellus, want Orlando all to myself

An Australian Affair

Two posts in one day can generally be considered overkill, but not when there is quality information out there like this next one.....

According to here Orlando and our Panty Mantis are planning to give birth to Mini Mantis in Australia -

Nothing wrong with Australia you might think, and you'd be right (other than neither of them live there and I can imagine that Daddy would need to be away quite a bit on business, but I imagine given past form, that could work very well indeed for them)but its not that bit of the article that I'm finding quite so amusing...

Happily the writer of this article had also been "lucky" enough to contact a source close to our happy couple (I personally think that certain Mantis family members should have learnt from last time that this kind of behaviour gets them into hot water, but handily for us it seems they have yet to learn that lesson)

"They both love it there and of course Miranda's family will be on hand although Orlando is thinking of chartering a flight from the UK to make sure the whole family is there for the big arrival," added the source.

So, if you believe what you read, Orlando couldn't be arsed to fly his family in to witness his wedding, but now he's going to charter a flight so that everyone can witness the birth of his new offspring..... What I'm thinking is why stop there - they missed out on a full wedding, this could be their chance to celebrate

Wanda, Joders, I'm sure there is a role in there for you guys somewhere, can you dig out your dresses

Perhaps he could fly in a few of his favourite paparazzi for the event too, and I'm sure Lisa Ho could be persuaded to design a special "Giving Birth" dress for the occasion (though she'd probably need to make it out of something wipe clean....)

Uniglo

whilst we've all been focusing on the Mantis's 3D boobies more photos have emerged from the Uniglo campaign. I think the two on the left are Orlando, but Im pretty sure thats Orlando's grumpier and more orange twin on the right..

Seriously though, I'm going to say this again - why do they have to photoshop the hell out of him, he is a good looking guy, a few lines aren't going to decimate his demographic .... well not more than he's already managed with his pet mantis anyway

pursuit of happiness

This past summer,

1. Dressed up as a Proper Lady in Palm Beach, 2. Souffle (my favourite) at Morton's, 3. Dani and my crimpy hair at Rihanna, 4. & 5. Our vintage sale, 6. & 7. Lynsie and I at the Courtney Love concert, 8. Adrien the Doritohead 9. Paintings in Palm Beach, 10. & 11. Windy cab rides, 12. I would move to America for their grocery store Goldfish aisle alone.

*** On Wednesday evening, from 5-9 I will be live tweeting during LOULOU Magazine's Shop 'Til You Drop Event! A bunch of stores on Bloor Street West (including BCBG, Jacob, Winners, and a Joe Fresh pop up shop, to name a few) will be participating in the event, offering discounts and lots of activities, almost like a mini Fashion's Night Out! I would love if all my Toronto and GTA readers would come out for the event! All you have to do is head over to the website, sign up and then RSVP to all the events. I'll be stopping into all the participating locations and tweeting about what's going on, so follow me and, if you're attending, tweet at me and also make sure to introduce yourself! I'm really excited, it's going to be an awesome night! ***

Boobology

Image: Orlando Bloom tries hard to maintain his dignity in the face of open ridicule

How exciting, the Mantis' boobies are now not only out in pictures so large the the diameter resembles a small roundabout, but they are also in 3D. Vogue have kindly put a enormous exhibition devoted to 3D photographs of her with her baps out - nice eh!

It seems that you too can have the experience of being up close and personal to the mantis' puppies.. What a proud day for Orlando - I wonder if he gets a proportion of the entrance fee for each guest, seeing as how its his "wifes" boobies up there on display in the name of art....

I understand why Orlando looks the way he does in this photo, but I am a little confused about why the Panty Mantis is looking excited - surely she's looked at them in a mirror before, or is because the little one, in her belly has started kicking her hard at the thought of lunches to come....

p.s: Yo! Anomers -Just in case you've forgotten I know I'm Fat, Jellus and want Orlando all to Myself AND cant appreciate stunningness when I see it - please don't feel the need to point it out - you must get bored of typing the same thing and I'm certainly getting bored of deleting it.....

Milan Calling

Poor old OB and his Pregnant Panty Mantis, were caught out twice yesterday evening, first by the rain and then by those pesky paparazzi as they went out for a romantic dinner together with 20 of their closest photographers...


"OY yew evul Cowz, yew telle mee eye'm not stunninge and gawguss ande eye'll gette yew"

Later that evening, Orlando finally took her to that which she desires most; a public event with photographers, she actually has my sympathy - its been a while since he last let her out! I haven't posted the pictures here - one of the mantis is more than enough on for a person to be looking at on a sunday morning, but she is certainly very small for someone who is 6 months pregnant and a braver person than most people I know, doing an evening in stilettos whilst in her condition...

If it wasn't for the Hobbit Hair I'd say Orlando was looking good here (i'm not a fan of that hairdo but he's doing a role so I'll let him off). Nice coat and nice grey cardi / white shirt combo - plus he looks like he's had his annual bath!

I wonder what that woman with the microphone is asking him...... the guy behind him looks a bit surprised!

Fashion! fashion! fashion!

Fresh back from London Fashion Week and feeling sartorially inspired, I felt a short focus on fashion was in order. Happily there was no sign of our expectant Mantis at the event I went to - I would not of wanted to be faced with her Stunningness in the flesh - there's only so much a person can take! She was safely sightseeing round a schloss in Germany but it did give me cause to reflect on the calibre of her maternity wear thus far, even though I realise I will never be as gawguss, successful, or as stunninge as her.....

- First of all there is of course that Hat - I understand that one's hair gets greasy when one has a bun in the oven but I would of though Run DMC weren't the best people to take your style direction from when choosing a hat, there are many cute styles out there at the moment that would serve the same purpose hair wise, but would look chic as well!

- Skinny jeans are also an interesting choice for someone who is 5 months pregnant - I would of though there is a reason why maternity jeans tend to have a maternity panel but not where our Mantis is concerned - perhaps thats because she only has a sandwich sometimes - and not every day for lunch like the rest of us!

- Then of course there is that see through travel dress - admittedly it looks comfy (though to be fair it also looked comfy at its original length) but I'm not sure that a 75% transparency rating is a look you rock whilst up the duff..

Apparently they are both due in Italy for a Vogue event over the weekend, it will be interesting to see what formal maternity wear looks like in her book..... Generally her public evening event wardrobe seems one hell of a lot better put together than what she pulls of au naturel.... still I guess thats why you have a stylist...

I just hope Orlando leaves the killer collar at home - though the boots could probably work in the right setting !

Business as Usual

There really isn't much to report other than OB is still filming in Germany...

And of course the Panty Mantis is still hanging around in Germany - she's allegedly too big to travel according to her FB.... its funny, the photos of her mooching round a German Schloss didn't give much indication she was too big to travel to me - mind you, that maybe the result of the exceedingly small pair of jeans she'd shoehorned herself into for the occasion. One things for sure, She seems too big to carry her own handbag judging from the latest snaps and OB humping it around at the airport....

(I know, I know fat, jellus, want Orlando to myself etc etc etc) Still, I thought i'd cheer us fatties up on a friday by posting another hawt premantis whorely photo :D

Formal Notice

To: Anomers who posted a comment last night and whose comment is not showing this morning
From: TSO Administration

Date 24/09/2010


Subject: your comment

Anomers

I'm formally telling you I have been unable to bring myself to approve your comment. I've a solid rationale for this which I would like to explain. I would of communicated this to you in private, but since you leave no contact details of any description, I've had to resort to a public memorandum:

1) You have already said all that in your previous edifying communications, I think repetition brings the tone even lower than it apparently already is.

2) I've also had the opportunity to agree with you that that we are all fat, ugly and pathetic on here and want Orlando all to ourselves in response to you last time. Its painful for us all to know she's so stunning and we're not - can you please stop pointing it out.

3) Your comment that all of us on here are not all tru fans of orlando is painful in the extreme. I'm completed gutted not to be counted amongst the faithful.

Please leave me and the others on here in our misery, you rays of inspiration are too bright for us to handle right now I'm afraid.

Thank you

Compare the Mantis.com

I think we need to have brief interlude to explain a few things, confusion does seem to reigning in some quarters of the net over where you go for what... i think its a bit like Compare the Market.com and compare the meerkat.com (You know the advert? if not -click here, Aleksander is hilarious, anyway...).

So are we all listening?:

- If you are fat, jellus, pathetic (thats a new one - thanks anomers) want Orlando all to yourself, can cope with snarky commentary and enjoy drooling over pre mantis photos of him (mainly) - Congratulations, You're in the right place!

- If you wish to celebrate the trueness of their love and coo over photos of them together you aren't in the right place. I understand Mayfrayn has a most excellent community over on Live Journal where you can do just that, safe in the knowledge that you wont have to deal with any jellus people like me! (May if you wish to post a link so people can find it easily, please do, I don't what the URL is)

There wouldn't be a lot of point on me heading over to Mays journal with my opinion, She'd rightly get a bit cranky with me and I imagine I would be in a minority of one. Similarly there probably isn't a lot of point in pro OB and his pet Mantis people lingering too long on here - I'm likely to get a bit cranky too , but i have the added aspect of being fat, jellus, pathetic and wanting Orlando to myself which tends to make a person even more irritable...



To Quote Aleksander "Simples"

alphabet suit

On Monday night, my friend Lynsie and I attended the launch party for Michael Bastian's new line with Gant at the Harry Rosen Toronto flagship. I wore a vintage Donna Ricco dress (that I call my alphabet soup dress), Sam Edelman boots and a Marc Jacobs purse. The dress was a hit, even with my cab driver who asked "is that a Gucci? It looks expensive." Well, no it isn't and no it wasn't - I picked it up at World Thrift in Palm Beach for FIVE dollars.

After the party, Lynsie and I held our own afterparty catching up on the latest magazines at Maison de la Presse, the best magazine store in Toronto. Check out Ron Wan's blog for some awesome videos of the event. He compared me to Lily Cole, which was very flattering, though maybe a bit of a stretch.

Also, this is my 100th post! I still can't believe how far Chic Heroin has come - thank you so much to my readers and friends who are always so supportive and lovely.
xo E