Alerts to make you L.O.L

Do you know, I wasn't going to post about this - it seemed far too mundane, but then I thought again...

So far I've received alerts that say the following
a)the Panty Mantis is pregnant
(does anyone actually care apart from them at this stage)
b)the Panty Mantis isn't pregnant
(oh i get it - its the new "ground hog day")
c)the Panty Mantis was surprised at being proposed to
(the only "surprised" I'd believe is that she was surprised that her electric ball clamp had finally worked)
d)Orlando popped the question only because he was consumed with jealousy
(ah, don't worry OB - you can join our club )
e) Orlando only popped the question because she's up the duff....
(how romantic, THIS is believable....)

all of this, all in one day..... anyone would think she was due back home and needed to make herself of interest seeing the engagement rumours only had a couple of days of impact before it all got swamped by more interesting news...

Our Private Panty Mantis.....

Finally, after 2 weeks of silence (whilst she located her groom) our bride to be has both found an AWOL Orlando and located a friendly newspaper to share the news of her pending nuptials...

From here

SUPERMODEL (I think they mean Pantymodel) Miranda Kerr has opened up for the first time about her engagement to Hollywood heart-throb Orlando Bloom, her dilemma over where the couple will wed and rumours she is pregnant.

I imagine she's only opening up now because she's finally found out where he's been hiding himself and the pregnancy rumours havent exactly caught on across the worlds media....

In an exclusive interview with The Sunday Times, the stunning (excellent back to our favourite word I see) face of David Jones revealed she was genuinely shocked when Bloom, her boyfriend of four years, finally popped the question.

"We have been together for a while now and we had talked about it, but when it actually happened it was a total surprise," she said.

After years of false alarms, announcements that have been squashed by Orlando's rep I bet she's surprised he was finally worn down - I wonder if she had those Bridal Pants pictures in storage from the other times it was "announced"

But the 27-year-old brunette beauty quashed rumours she is pregnant.

"The rumours started as soon as it became known we were engaged. We are ignoring them and enjoying this moment," Kerr said.

I think that should read "we are starting them and milking this moment", at least she understands that she needs a looooong engagement - the Press seem a lot less interested in married couples (unless of course they are getting divorced).

"I have always been very open about wanting to be a mother one day and I've always thought Orlando would be a great dad."

The notoriously private couple have been tight-lipped since their engagement was officially announced through their US agent three weeks ago.

Notoriously Private? They have an interesting definition of notoriously private if they are saying it about these 2 - they have the paps document as much of their "lyfe" together as they possibly can


Since then, they have been flooded with well wishes - and some unique engagement presents.

Carlton United Breweries sent the couple a slab of personalised Crown Lager. On the label, it said: "Miranda & Orlando - Congratulations on your engagement!"

I'm glad to see the corporate sponsorship is coming on apace - I wonder if there is any news from Lisa Ho yet??

But the Victoria's Secret model said she and Bloom were not sure when and where they would wed.

"We have family and friends all over the world so deciding where is a tricky one," she said.

I imagine it is a bit hard to decide who is going to give you the most money for an exclusive until all the offers are on the table....

"We are enjoying being engaged for the time being and will take our time in making any plans. We are both very private so would like it to be intimate and personal."

Ah I see, so rushing off to look at churches with your mum two days after the announcement is taking time making plans? Plus I'm not sure that paparazzi ordinarily hang outside houses of god on the offchance that there may be a celeb in there looking at churches, well not unless you call them first... Yes i can see how private she is.....

But Kerr said she'd been touched by the response her engagement engendered in her home town.

"It's so sweet. It's nice to feel the support of your home town," she said.

Maybe she will have a shot gunnedah wedding after all??

Kerr will return to Australia this month to prepare for the David Jones summer collections launch on August 3 and the lavish opening of the renovated Bourke St store in Melbourne on August 12.

But her 33-year-old fiance will not make the trip Down Under with her. "Sadly not - he will be shooting a movie," she said.

i have to it to her though, she's taken my draft plan for trips back home and added a whole new level to it... I think I may have to go back and redraft!

Cc'd for your information

To Miranda
From: Lucinda
cc'd: Wanda and Joders

Subject: Bridesmaids

Hi Mantis Miranda
I hope you are well and all your rumour-mungering hard work hasn't either worn you out or detracted from your excitement as you prepare to be set for life for the happiest day of both you and Orlando's lives.

I've now got two fatnjellus bridesmaids to be part of the bridal party. Are you happy for them to provide their own dresses? its just that Joders has a perfect pink dress that she thinks will fit right in with your style. I'll need to speak to Wanda about her outfit plans though.

Have you manage to get your dress yet from Lisa Ho - I do think that she would be the best designer for you a hobag in a Ho, how more appropriate can you get

I recieved the Whora Kora catalogue - thanks. I hadn't realised you expected the hens to by the entire range before they are allowed to come to you hen do, though if the range isnt doing that well, it would be an excellent way to boost sales.

Have you got Orlando back yet? Last I heard he was doing anything but spending any time with you busy with work but I'm sure your schedules will coincide soon....

I'm sure you must be as pissed as hell elated to hear of the Boss Modelling job he's got. Maybe you can give him tips on how to take his clothes off and look like a slut.... actually :D posing in the best way to promote the brand.

With best wishes

Finally, the Mantis Responds!

Well would you believe it, I checked my email this morning and look what had come in :

deare lusinder,
mye newe agente haz arsked mee to come backe to yew aboute mye bridezmaydes. Of couse eye wasnzt goinge to lette aniy of yew fat ugglee cowz neare my weddinge but Aileeen thynks thate it mighte save Orlandoes demo, um.... demo oh fuk it peoplee lyking orlandoe.

yew can telle wanda that she canne be won off mye bridezmaydes, and yew can selcte anover fatty to paiyre up with herr. I heare yew, joderz and those blogsowrth bytches are alll fat and jellus, so maybee yew coulde have a comptetion or somthinge.

One thinge though, I will have orlandoe guarded at alle tymes (I cante riske him runninge awaye with Viggo againe) and thayte meens that yew bytches cant trye to adbduct hime either. Eye've read "Operation Abduct Whorley" and yew arent' pulling thayte shyte on mee...

Ohe and yew canne starte organising mye hen do if yew lyke. eye'll sende yew the Kora catalgogue. EYe cante tell yew whene the dayte is yet, Orlandoe managed to escappe and eye havente managed to gette him backke.

Remmeber! Donte trye anythinge funneye.

So there we have it, finally she's responded (though I see no sign of a date as yet - I'm sure the Dingho's trackers are on the case as we speak poor boy)

Do I have any other volunteers to pair up with wanda as a bridesmaid - I'd offer to do it, but Orlando is legendarily careful with money and I'm not sure he'd be that pleased to have to pick up the cost of the flight from the UK!

The Blushing Bridegroom..

Our blushing bridegroom seems to be keeping an extremely low profile at the moment, its almost like he's embarrassed and whats the whole sorry mess to go away. Personally I couldn't agree with him more...

Just a reference point, the above picture is what Orlando looks like when he's ecstatic....

In this Video he is trying to ignore questions about his forthcoming nuptials at an airport, obviously after such a happy event he must be ecstatic this video too... it must just be a very very very different kind of ecstatic!

The Panty Mantis on the other hand has decided to start communicating with the world via her ass.

First we had her with her bride pants on... now she's decided to tell us what is actually important for her about her engagement:



Its a shame she didn't think to publicise this to Orlando when the photos were actually taken, it might of put him off..

A practical Guide to Weddings: Part 4 - the Hen Do

To be honest, I didn't think there would be much of a rush on this one, but with Panty mantis and mommy mantis unsubtly looking for churches and flashing jewellery I have a feeling this is more high priority than I thought.

I've been thinking long and hard about what options I can offer the Panty Mantis for her hen do. As luck would have it, just as our happy couple made their announcement, Viktoria Sekrits unveiled their new batchelorette range - and guess who was modelling a pair of "bride" pants looking at a ring.... what a coincidence! The timing of this is uncanny! But it does solve our problem of what the Panty Mantis to be should be wearing for her Hen do!


Everything else about the Hen do is a bit harder to suggest. I'm afraid I havent come up with a list of suggestions like I did with Orlando, but I do have one recommendation!

She could have a Whora party! No, trust me - it works on many levels....

1) She can pimp her over priced face care range to everyone she's invited
2) If she can treashure Urself out in times, she can give signed copies to everyone there as party favours
3) She can offer her guests copious goji berries uninterrupted
4) She can drink lots of Rioja without breaking her "girl next door" image
5) She can table dance the night away without embarassing pictures being posted on twitter
6) Of course given this probably wouldnt be in a public bar, she would need to make sure her photog friends were there to comment on how stunning and genetically blessed she is..


Wanda - given I'm lining you up to be a bridesmaid, and they tend to organise the hen do - is the above ok with you? Short of going out clubbing nekkid, I can't think of anything else she'd enjoy more than flogging her shit and being the centre of attention!

And this just in...

Orlando Bloom, vainly hoping that he runs fast enough, gets on a flight to the furthest corner of the planet and keeps growing his hair - his bride to be won't be able to track him down again...

Things sure move quickly when you are young and in 'Love'

I have to hand to the Panty Mantis, she sure is moving swiftly down the path to nuptial bliss. Her Mum and her had their privacy invaded yesterday whilst looking at churches, worse still, the paps managed to get a shot of her engagement ring.

Poor girl, she obviously decided to get in their quickly, while everyone was thinking "there would be no way she'd be looking at churches on day three" and hoping to be discrete and her plans were foiled..

One thing is confusing me though, I'm sure I've heard her and Orlando talking about the strong buddhist faith - now I don't know much about buddhism but I wouldn't of thought a normal buddhist ceremony would be held in a christian church? I obviously have that wrong...

Still no sign of Orlando, maybe he's fainted with shock after having to buy the most expensive ring from Argos catalogue...

On a different tack, I've finally managed to come up with a limerick to mark this auspicious occasion:

There once was a lady whose womb
Gave birth to young chap called Bloom
But alack and alas
He engaged the wrong lass
And in so doing sealed his Doom

:D

No Shit Sherlock!

from Contact Music:

"A representative for Kerr tells People.com, "The entire Kerr family is thrilled with the news. It is a very exciting time for both of them.""

No????

Really???

Hang on, let me just pick myself back up off the floor.....

.....I'm positively overcome with amazement at this latest revelation, I'm sure No-one would of guessed that reaction from the Kerrs

I shall wait with eager expectation to see what the reaction is from Family Bloom....

A Practical Guide to Weddings: Part 1

With confirmation (in the form of the Panty Mantis' facebook) being posted overnight, I woke up this morning buzzing with lists of things the happy couple need to do before the big day.

I thought it might help them if I listed a few here to make sure the future Mr and Mrs Panty Mantis don't miss anything and hopefully avoid the Panty Mantis turning into bridezilla, I may not understand some of OB's choices, but I wouldn't wish that on him.

1) The most crucial thing on the agenda now has got to be the engagement party! I would suggest they pick that bondage club that OB was caught leaving a while back. The Panty Mantis will fit right in there and Orlando is unlikely to try and leave early because of the view. Of course it will be important to make sure that the appropriate Bloggers/papers are there to witness the event.

2) Obviously the Panty Mantis needs to make as big a splash as humanly possible in australia now she actually has something he's not denying... perhaps a few big screens up in public places looping the happy news?

3) The Dress: Its never to early in my experience to source your dress - perhaps one by Lisa Ho would be fitting?

4) The Bridesmaids: A word to the wise Panty Mantis, I wouldnt ask any of your fellow models if I were you, there is a danger that your usual poses might be outshone, instead you should be picking some fatties for the occasion, make sure you look really good (if you send me the date, I can check amoungst us fat'n'jellus ones to see if any of us are free if you like, though you may need to put a security guard round Orlando, I think most of us just want him for ourselves and will need to be controlled!)

I think thats enough to be going on with, I don't want to overload you both - lawd knows wedding preparation is a stressful time for all concerned!

Ask and ye shall receive!

How fitting that this is my 100 post on TSO and its the one that... according to here announces that Orlando is shortly to become Mr Panty Mantis, how lovely - may I offer my sincere congratulations to the happy couple... (for the 156th time)

I do have a few concerns though...

The wedding list: I trust that the etruscan vase is still listed, i feel that a fitting gift for our fianceed duo

The exclusive on the engagement: I take it that Mr Big / JJ weren't invited to witness round 2 of the "caught" photos of the marriage proposal?? Thats a shame.... I rather enjoyed round one in paris..

The Draft plan of action for visits home: Its lucky, is it not, that shortly after another disaster with DJ's and their sleazy head honcho, just before our Panty Mantis heads home that we get another engagement story. Now admittedly this one is more "official" sounding, but I'm sure that everyone involved realised that they couldn't do yet another coy hint without being ripped to shreds. After that last one it was fairly clear to anyone paying attention that the world and HIS wife had had enough of the hinting and playing with rings...

The ring shopping: Sadly we seem to have missed out altogether on the shopping for rings rumours, that IS a shame - when OB was getting engaged to Kate there were always a few rumours out there of him in jewellery shops across the globe, I almost feel cheated!

Still, at least we can look forward to the second by second account of the preparations, the blissful happiness, the inevitable problems and subsequent break up (no, I'm not being negative and cynical, most hollywood couplings end in tears)...

All in all I'll have lots to post about.....
(though I wonder how many readers I'll have left after this stunt Orlando ....)

Ground Hog Day.. Formal Procedure (draft)

Hold onto your lugnuts everyone, it seems both Joders and I have supernatural powers......

I always knew both of us were super talented and special but it seems we have honed our skills to such an extent that we are now able to accurately predict engagement rumours between Orlando and his Panty Mantis.

I can hear all the gasps of shock around the globe as engagement announcement 157 hits the worlds press (or not as the case may be). Even more surprising is that it is (again) corresponding with a the Panty Mantis' plans to return to Oz, they aren't ones for messing with a plan of action are they? Anyway, I thought I'd be helpful and actually write it down as a procedure for them, so they can just cut n paste the next time they want to initiate...

Panty Mantis: Engagement Procedure (draft)
This procedure should be initiated approximately 1 month before any trip to Australia. It must be used if Orlando cannot be persuaded by money or by putting his balls in a nut cracker; its optional but still advised if he is also accompanying the PM to her home.
1) Fly into one of the capital cities of the world (ideally Europe, the public perceive them as more romantic)
2) Make sure that Orlando is actually there (this will not work without him being in the same city)
3) Confirm your hotel and plan for the day with the paparazzi from your favourite celeb blogger.
4) Walk around and try and look like you like each other, if all else fails go for the "over the top" approach, its better than looking like you are both attending a funeral
5) Ideally persuade Orlando to stay in the city with you more than 24 hours, if this is not possible, try and plant the idea of ring shopping on the net, or even better, wear a piece of your own jewelry on one hand or the other and try and flash it at the paps.
6) Contact your favourite papers in Oz (and of course your celeb blogger) and anonymously contact them as a "source" to say that you are finally engaged. N.B it is not advisable to use your brother for this, when it eventually gets out its rubbish you will look stupid and so will he.

Note of Warning: Orlando's people have a habit of rather abruptly denying these rumours, either see if you can get a deal in advance with his PR agency or failing that you will just need advance warning of when this is happening so you can get in there first.

Repeat as needed.

There, I hope thats helpful as a start!

Happy Ground Hog day!

Guess what everyone...... Orlando and Miranda are apparently engaged.... yet again.... ( I know, I know I can hear you all gasping with shock that this rumour has leaked yet again).

I'm wondering who they are expecting to care about this the 56th time round.... still I suppose I'm posting about it lol.....

According to the Australian "News Weekly" they will be tying the knot within a year, at a buddhist temple in LA/Sydney/Thailand(delete as appropriate) and Bar and Leo have already agreed to attend (even though they haven't actually set a date yet according to the article)...

Someone kill me NOW, I don't think I can handle getting yet another round of bloody google alerts about this.... Its funny how the "engagement" stories always coincide with Miranda trying to pimp herself in the fashion arena, she should watch out - once she is married, WTF is she going to use next to get in the press.....

Not for the first time, I'm channeling the poor Orli vibe :D