A New Proposal...

I had a bit of time so I thought Id trawl around for something mildly entertaining to make the corner stone of a post....

I had a look at the latest shots of OB (on a bike.... surpringly) talking to a guy in a SUV - but ended up concluding that there are two many posts about OB on a bike in the world already without me adding to them...

I bravely ventured over to Mantis Central to find some inspiration and although there was plenty of material there (lets face it, whenever she opens her mouth she seems to manage to fuel the sarcastic subculture thats grown up around her) but still nothing made me think ah ha! (I even ignored the statement by mummy mantis that her daughter is the most natural creature in the world!)

Just as I was giving up, I checked my email and what did I see?

"HIghe slapperr!,
eye knowe we haventte seene aie to aie butte eye desper..dezper....umme eye neede youre helpe! thinges arre goinge verry wronge! Eye thoughte whenne eye hadde babeye Finne thayte eyede bee the moste lovede (ande moste gawguss supamodelle )inne the lande withe cutte lyttle babey as the besteste acessorrie, butte eye nowe see thayte Orlandoe hasse stoleene mye idear.

The photoes offe mee ahvve beene takenne ovah bye thosee onnes thayt orlandoe hadde donee withe mye mum, everyeonne isse nowe sayinge that he is cutte withe finne ande ignoringe me! Eye cannte take itte - iffe eye Takke alle mye clothese offe (asse I ususalley woulde do ) people saye thayte ittes notte seksy! whatte du theye meane - NOTTE SEKSY!!!

ORlandoe thynkes thisse iss verye funnie annde hese notte even respondinge too the balle clamper anie more....

evenne yew fatte and jellus cowz lyked himme with Finne! Eye donte thynke anyonne cares aboutte me anie more :( thys wassnt howwe eye plannede itte!

Yew muste bee wonderinge howe yew canne helpe? welle, eye seeyew arre planninge to wryte a new booke and eye amme gener.... gener... fuk.... offeringe to wryte somme bittes for yew - obviouslie peoplee wonte lyke yourre bits, butte eyem feelinge lonlie and eye thynke itte woulde be goode to do thisse rightte nowe. (Plusse eye dontee see either finne or ORlandoe unless nappyies needed changinge or eye neede to gette mye boobies outte)

I knoew yew muste be overcomme with joye atte readinge this, so eye'll givee yew somme timme to calme downe beforre wee starte!

Lvoeee Pantty mantiz XXX

So what do you reckon ye Fat n Jellus? - I reckon this one has got to be some sort of goer - just the opportunity alone to hear the PM's suggestions for household management seem worth it to me on their own... and of course I will make sure I keep the final editorial rights!

Fat and Happy: A Practical Guide to Modern Household Management

How exciting, following on from the Shotgun: A Practical Guide to Weddings and of course my seminal publication Pleasure Urself: A Practical Guide to being Fat'n'Jellus I have now decided to grace your bookshelves with a third Book!

I realise the market for this one may be slightly smaller than the first two (you rather need to have either a wife , a baby or preferably both) but no matter! May I proudly introduce .....

Fat and'Happy: A Practical Guide to Modern household management

Its going to be kinda like the book Mrs Beeton wrote, with less emphasis on cookery and more emphasis on avoiding your inlaws and approaching motherhood from a fat'n'jellus angle!

I'm hoping that not only will you all find it helpful in your fat'n'jellus lives but it might also be of some assistance to Orlando. Judging by the latest set ups we've been graced with, he could do with some advice.

(The photo is a shot Orlando kindly posed for me on escape methods to be used on your inlaws.... though personally I think he could do with some more help - the bike idea was a good one, i dont know many MILs that would agree to a trip on a bike, but he underestimated Mama Mantis' drive to get in the press)

In the true spirit of a self help guide, it will of course be full of suggestions for products from the Ensurient Corpulence Range to compliment the theory, and I am also enlisting Wanda and Joders (as two of the fattest and most jellus people in the world ever (along with me obviously)) to help me both model the products and help me develop its own blog and facebook page, all the better for me to communicate with random online people close online friends and supporters.

Are you excited??
I know I am!